


The highest form of flattery

by Deathbybiscuitsagain



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Eventual Smut, Frerard, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:26:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 35,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28050120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deathbybiscuitsagain/pseuds/Deathbybiscuitsagain
Summary: This is a story of a British  My Chemical Romance cover band who have the makings of greatness. But as life starts to imitate art can they pull together in time for the Battle of the Bands or will their dreams shatter and fall like pixie dust to the ground.So this is kind of a Frerard but the characters playing F +G, and it's a slooooow burner. So if you're after a smut fix this ain't it.  There is some drama including references to self harm, discussion of suicide and a minor character death so pay attention to the tags and rating. I honestly don't want to upset anyone.  There is also a smattering of humour and for part of the story Mikey is a girl (Sorry Mikes!). I don't know any members of MCR personally, and if I ever met them in real life I would probably spontaneously combust. The opinions and ideas are mine and mine only. This is the first thing I've ever written so please be gentle!Finally, thank-you to anyone who decides to read this. I love you and will name a future pet after you, XOXO DBB
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Kudos: 2





	1. Auditions

Ashvale is a typical neglected English town. Once the local coal mine was closed in the 80's the town slipped slowly into obscurity. A thin layer of poverty coats everything, from the cracks in the pavement to the boarded up windows. Most of the high street housed boarded up shops with graffitied windows. The pavement littered with dog faeces and cigarette butts. It had long ago earnt the moniker 'Trashvale'. On the outskirts of the town lie a smattering of council estates. By far the most notorious being Northope, or 'No Hope' as the locals called it. In short, it was a shit place to grow up in. For as long as he could remember, Simon wanted to leave. But leaving required money, connections and a plan. He had a plan, to form a band then make enough money to move to London where fame and fortune awaits. It was when he was in his local Lowcost buying his usual beer and cigarettes that the idea came to him. The cashier, a teenage skater type was looking at him slightly puzzled 'You look familiar. You remind me of someone.' 'Yeah I get that lot. Apparently I look like the lead singer of My Chemical Romance.' The cashier looked more intently 'Shit yeah! Yeah you do! I really like My Chem. Do you?' 'Yeah, they're one of my favourite bands.'  
As he walked put the shop clutching his plastic bag the spark of an idea had formed in his mind. He knew he could sing having taken the lead in several school plays, and later he'd been in various local bands with his long-term friends Andy and Porridge. He knew both of them were working in dead-end jobs and like him, would do anything to get out of the stinking cesspit of Trashvale. The spark began to grow.  
~~~~~  
The community hall on the Northope estate smells like furniture polish and school dinners. The sun is streaming through the huge glass windows making the room far too bright and far too hot for Simon to cope with his hangover. The paracetomol washed down with warm Dr Pepper 20 minutes ago hasn't done much to help. The sunglasses are helping some. Maybe I could close my eyes behind these glasses, he thought, I doubt anyone would notice. He'd sat through 23 auditions of varying levels of talentless fuckwits and his mood has somewhat soured. Six hours they'd been sat there and no-one fit the bill. Andy got up and stretched. 'I guess we'd better start clearing up' he said with a defeated shrug. He picked up some chairs and stacked them neatly at the side of the hall.  
'Excuse me' a bright eager face appeared around the door. 'Um is this the place for the auditions?' The voice came from a young man with jet black hair gelled down and swept to the side of his face.  
'Yeah, but they finished 10 minutes ago' mumbled Simon gruffly.  
'Aw, come on. Give me chance' the boy stepped though the doorway with guitar in hand. He was small and wiry. Dressed in black jeans and a white shirt over a Metallica T-shirt. 'Please? The bus was late and then went down the wrong road. It wasn't the usual driver and he was on autopilot and went down the number 17 route instead of the number 10 route. But then he tried to do a one-eighty on Carvel Road and got stuck so I jumped off and legged it here as fast as I could.' He was wittering at 100 miles an hour bouncing from one foot to the other. He looked up at Simon with big brown eyes like a begging Labrador. Hands clasped as if in prayer, bottom lip protuding in an exaggerated pout. 'Pretty please?'  
Simon glanced at Andy who shrugged as if to say 'Why not?'  
'Okay kid' Simon acquiesced 'show us what you've got'  
He rolled his eyes 'I'm 20 you know.' But he knew he looked younger. He got ID'd all the damn time.  
He set up his guitar and stood ready at the front of the stage. Simon gave him a nod to start.  
He looked up to the ceiling as if to say a quick prayer then launched into the first chords of 'I'm not okay'.  
After the first chorus Simon looked at Andy and raised an eyebrow. This kid was good! The way he played it was like he was wrestling with an angry alligator. A ball of fire and energy, playing as if his life depended on it. He tipped his head back and spat up into the air. He span round 360 degrees lightning quick then caught the ball of spit back in his mouth and it descended back down not missing a single note.  
Simon actually felt his jaw drop. He sat there opened mouthed at what just happened. It was both simultaneously disgusting and awe inspiring. He sat up in his chair glued to the display in front of him. He looked across at Andy who was already nodding. They had found their Frank.  
The hall was silent once more as the song ended. The boy looked up expectantly. Simon gestured to a nearby chair. He couldn't read the expression on Simon's face at all. But he could see the other guy was pleased, smiling from ear to ear. He strode over to the chair and sat down. Forcing his shoulders back in an attempt to appear nonchalant.  
Simon spoke first 'So why do you want to be in this band?'  
Ugh, he didn't realise this would be an interview. He hated interviews. The last interview he had was for his job at Lowcost. A menopausal old bat had grilled him for nearly an hour for a minimum wage job. 'Well,' he started, then paused. He took a moment to gather his thoughts. 'I've always been into music. I went to Brompton Uni to study music and while I was there I met Chris, Tate and Stu and we formed a band called Brain Haemorrhage.'  
Andy looked up 'I heard you guys last year at Ashfest. You're pretty good. So what happened?'  
'Well Tate found Jesus and didn't want to play ungodly music anymore. So I sat down with Chris and Stu and they decided they want to go down a more grunge type route so we parted ways.'  
'So where did Tate find him?' Simon dead-panned.  
'Find who?'  
'Jesus' smirked Simon. Andy rolled his eyes.  
'Oh yeah, he was in the cupboard under the stairs.' he dead-panned straight back.  
A small smile lifted the corner of Simon's mouth. 'So why do you want to join this band?'  
Matt paused for a minute considering his answer. He strummed his fingers on his chin as he considered his words. 'Hmm. Well I dropped out of uni, I work a shitty minimum wage job, I'm single as fuck. I have literally nothing going for me. But I don't believe if you've made your bed you have to lie in it. YOU made the bed so you can get back out of it and make it again! I'm not one to sit around feeling sorry for myself. This is a step towards making something of myself. I'm serious about wanting a career in music. It's the only thing I'm good at, and I love it! I love being on the stage. I love getting the audience riled up and chanting along with whatever we're playing. It's like nothing else on earth. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life.'  
'So what's your name kid?'  
'It's Matt. Matt Bailey.'  
'Welcome aboard Matt Bailey' Simon and Andy beamed. Matt looked like he was about to burst.  
~~~~~  
They sat for a while discussing what music they liked, what bands they'd played in. Simon's phone beep-beeped as a message came in. His pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket and flicked the screen on. 'It's from Porridge, he's finished at his dad's so he says he'll meet us at the Red lion.'  
'Porridge?'  
Andy laughed 'Yeah, he's our drummer.'  
'But he's called porridge. Why?' Matt raised one eyebrow in a cartoon-like expression of disbelief.  
'No-one knows' Andy explained. 'He's had that nick-name for so long that the origin has been forgotten.'  
'So what's his real name then?'  
Andy and Simon looked at each other and shrugged. 'No idea' they spoke in unison.  
'So if he's your drummer, then you must be Gerard' he nods to Simon. He had to admit that Simon really did look quite like Gerard. He had the same strong eyebrows and intense hazel eyes. He even had the pointy nose and the slight dimple in the chin. The hair was different though, kinda medium brown and wavy sitting on his shoulders. It seemed to have a mind of it's own as he kept sweeping it behind his ears and it stubbornly crept back out again. seconds later  
He turned to Andy. He kind of looked like Ray, if Ray had short brown hair instead of the notorious 'fro. 'And I'm guessing you're Ray' Andy nodded.  
Simon put his phone away and got up from his chair. 'I guess we'd better tidy up. I said we'd be there in half an hour'  
Once everything had been put back in it's right place Simon locked the door and they headed down to the Red Lion pub.  
The Red Lion was a typical ye olde English pub. It was dark and crowded with lots of hidden nooks and crannys. The floors were ancient wood covered with centuries of wax and polish. The old oak bar stretched across one side of the room and round a corner. The regulars sat up to the bar nursing their pints and reliving past glories. It had that welcoming smell of hops and Sunday roasts. Simon led them past the bar to a door at the end of the room. This led to a quieter room away from the chatter and background music.  
Sitting in the corner nursing a pint and flicking through his phone sat a stocky man with mousy hair tied back in a low pony tail. He looked up when the door opened. 'Alright Fuckwads' he greeted cheerfully.  
'Matt Porridge. Porridge Matt' Simon nodded to each man respectively.  
Porridge half-stood and leaned awkwardly across the table to shake hands with Matt. His grip was firm and it was clear this guy worked out. Matt made a mental note not to piss Porridge off.  
'So you're our Frank then' it was more a statement than a question.  
'Looks like it' grinned Matt  
'Welcome aboard sailor' he made a theatrical salute.  
'So who's our Mikey?' Matt looked around  
'Well at the moment my sister Cass is standing in until we find the right Mikey' Simon replied. 'But she has her own band too so we'll have to fit practice around that and of course our various jobs. What do you do Matt?'  
'I'm a till tart at Lowcost'  
'A what now?' asked Andy with a puzzled look  
'Well the manager puts all the 'pretty ones' on the tills as they're customer facing, and all the bug ugly staff in the warehouse. So yeah. Our manager thinks I'm pretty' he batted his eyelids.  
Simon snorted 'Didn't you used to work as Lowcost Porridge?  
'Yes' replied Porridge resignedly. Knowing where this was heading.  
'And where did you work again?'  
'In the warehouse thank you very fucking much'  
'Oops' Matt giggled. 'sorry dude'  
'So' Simon took back charge of the conversation 'what day/hours do you work?'  
'I usually do 2 evenings a week Tuesday and Thursday, and 2 weekend days a month. Usually the second weekend of the month.'  
'Okay, myself, Porridge and Andy work at Nutri and since I'm the rota manager I can make sure we all get the same evenings off.' In Ashvale there were 2 main employers, the local hospital and the Nutri food factory. If you were born in Ashvale there was a fair chance that you would work at one or both of these organisations at some point in your life. 'Cass usually practices with her band Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday. So that leaves Monday, Friday and Sunday.' Since it's Sunday today we all ok to start tomorrow then?'  
Heads are nodding all round and a small buzz of nervous excitement starts to build. This was really happening. It was always a bit hit-and-miss when starting a new band. Not knowing how each member would fit with the other. Would they gel or would they clash? Would their musical styles complement each other or clash like stainless steel against a porcelain plate?


	2. Practice makes....something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First band practice and the all-important band naming!

Their practice space turned out to be a converted barn at the end of the garden of Andy's family home. At some point it had been a home office but then when Andy hit the teenage years and started to play guitar and drums his parents re-decorated it into a teenage den. One end held a bed, desk, chair and wardrobe. The other end held a tv, PC, several guitars and a drum set. There were band posters on every available wall and even on the ceiling.

Simon sat down in a swivel chair by the PC. 'Okay guys,' a sharp cough interrupted him 'and GIRLS' he continued, grinning at his sister who emerged from the doorway. Cassie or Cass as most people called her was a tall lanky girl with sandy blond hair cut in a short bob with a sweeping fringe that shaped her face. Thick black eyeliner circled her eyes which were hazel like her brothers. She wore her usual attire of olive green combats and a plain black vest top. She had a slightly aloof presence as if her being here was a privilege for everyone else. 'Before we start we need to think up a band-name.' He reached over the desk and grabbed a notebook and a pen. 'Most cover bands are a play-on-words or a famous song name or lyric. So...suggestions?'

An awkward silence ensued for a couple of painful minutes until Andy muttered 'We're gonna need beer for this'. He Stepped over to the desk to and reached under where where a fridge was concealed. He took out a 6 pack of beers and passed them around. He was right. After a few sips of beer the awkwardness started to dissipate and ideas started to bubble forth.

'My Comical Romance' 'No it sounds like we should be funny' rejected Simon

Porridge started giggling to himself 'My Chemical Bromance' 'NO!'

'My Chemical Reunion?' 'Meh, maybe'

'The Black Parade' 'S'ok I guess'

'Your Chemical Romance' 'Lame'

'My Biological Romance' 'What?' 

'My British Romance' 'What? that sounds like some drippy rom-com'

As the beers went down the suggestions got more and more ridiculous.

'You know what they do to guys like us in Ashvale'

'My Chemical Aftertaste'

'Na na na na na na na na na na na'

'Two cheers for sweet revenge'

'Welcome to the beige parade'

'Helena handbasket'

'I'm okay-ish'

'I don't like you'

'Dada'

'Bulletproof fart' by this point Porridge was rolling on the floor laughing. He started singing 'I've got a bullet proof fart' but was giggling too much to continue.

Simon sighed then looked up at Cass who was still leaning against the doorframe too cool for everything. 'What about you Cass, any suggestions?'

She peered down at Simon like he was a child even though he was 2 years older 'My Chemical Fauxmance' 

Simon opened his mouth ready to automatically diss her suggestion and stopped. He looked down and mumbled 'Actually that's pretty good.'

'My Chemical Fauxmance' Andy practiced saying it, nodding his head slowly. 'Yeah, I like it!'

A murmur of approval went round the room and that tingle of excitement started to grow again.

After that it was like an invisible switch had turned on and Andy, Matt and Cass picked up their guitars and started strumming and tuning. Porridge made his way over to the drums and tried out a rhythm on each drum testing the sound and quality. They were all a little giddy with beer and excitement (except Cass of course) and were happy just to just jam and freestyle getting to know their instruments and bat ideas off each other.

Simon looked round the round with a feeling of content. The band was born.

~~~~~

The rest of the evening they played around with sections of the more well-known My Chem songs to get a feel of how they fitted together. It wasn't the best band practice Simon had ever been to but it wasn't the worst either. Simon and Andy had played together before in a couple of local bands and their voices worked well together. He'd played in a school band with Porridge and had known Andy and Porridge since about the age of 4. They were more like honorary brothers. Cass, was well, Cass. She can seem a bit stand-offish but Simon knew it was just because she was shy. Once you get to know her she's actually really sweet but he would never say that to her face unless he wanted a black eye. She was a pain in the arse sometimes, but a sweetheart underneath all the glaring. He really hoped the new guy would fit in. It's tough being the outsider to a friend group but he seemed to have enough charm and confidence to integrate himself fairly quickly. At least he hoped so. Simon was already beginning to like his endless enthusiasm and zany energy. It was refreshing, even if he did stand on Simons toes twice while he was jumping around playing the guitar like he was possessed.

Simon slumped down on a beanbag next to Matt. 'So, what do you think so far?'

'I know it's very early days, but I really think we have something here. I get the feeling you guys are as serious about this as I am. So many bands I've been involved in were just doing it as like a hobby or something. But I really want to make something of myself. The thought of doing a 9 to 5 desk job makes we want to stab myself repeatedly in the eyes with a blunt pencil.'

'Yeah me too' agreed Simon. 'I really hate my job at Nutri, but I use it as motivation to do better. I dicked about in school and there aren't many career prospects in Trashvale. It's either Nutri or the hospital. I'm definitely not smart enough to be a Doctor. Besides, I am no good with puke and poo and all that.' He scrunched up his face in disgust.

Matt giggled 'Yeah, I know what you mean.'

'I want this to be a stepping-stone' Simon continued 'To get experience and contacts. Then when I have my own music that's ready for an audience I'll have all these connections already in place.'

'You write your own stuff?'

'Yeah, mostly lyrics and ideas for stuff. What about you, do write your own music?'

'Well, I wouldn't say I have complete songs or anything, I just generally improvise melodies over existing songs.'

'That sounds pretty cool. I can only play like basic chords. Thankfully Andy can interpret what I'm trying to say and turn it into actual music.'

They continues chatting comfortably about their musical influences, finding a lot of common ground. 

'Okay, favourite song by The Cure'

Matt didn't need to think long 'Lullaby'

'Good choice. Why?'

'It was the first song I'd heard by them. My brother made me listen to it. He had Disintegration on vinyl.'

'NIiiice'

'He wanted to introduce me to 'real music'. I was blown away. That song is so atmospheric I had nightmares after.'

'What? How old were you?'

'Um, I think I was about ten.'

'Typical big-brother shit' Cass joined in.

'How dare you!' Simon said in mock indignation 'I am an amazing big brother.'

'Really?' Cassie quirked an eye-brow 'One Christmas you told all of our aunts and uncles that I loved Barbie. I fucking hate Barbie. But I had to pretend I loved them ALL of Christmas day!'

Simon sniggered. 'Yeah but you stole all my action men!'

'Yes, as pay back. I gave them all military funerals in our back garden. There was flag and a priest and everything.'

'So THAT's where they went! I never did find them. Wait, that means they're probable still there!'

'Yep' said Cassie solemnly 'God rest their souls.'

'Right, before Cass can embarrass me any further I think we should be heading off. Cass you've got your bike right?' Cassie nodded to confirm that she had her beloved Kawasaki outside. 'Matt, you live on Raglan Street? That's pretty much on the way to our house. Come on then. We can discuss our favourite Smiths song on the way.'

They said their goodbyes and headed out. For the first time in a long time Simon felt like he had something solid to look forward to. The next practice couldn't come quick enough!


	3. Wherefore art though Mikey?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second practice and getting to know the characters

The rest of the week dragged by for Simon. Work was short-staffed again so he had to work the packing line. His particularly scintillating job was taking a scoop of carrots in one hand and one scoop of peas in the other, and dunking them in the correct compartments of the ready meals drifting past him on the conveyer belt. Peas, carrots, dunk, dunk. Peas, carrots, dunk, dunk. Rinse and repeat. He was so bored he wanted to scratch his own eyes out just for something to do. For most of the week the floor manager had been Mr Andrews, a short balding man who looked a lot like Penfold from Danger Mouse. The staff named him rather unimaginatively Peanut as his head somewhat resembled, well, a peanut. Mr Andrews was, in short, a dick. No music, no singing, no resemblance of fun on his watch. Friday thankfully was Mrs Mateen. She didn't mind having music an as long as the work got done. It also had the added bonus of letting Andy and Simon practice their harmonies. They had sang together off and on for around 6 years but now they had a focus. They had a purpose. For once, Simon didn't mind going to work that day. Once he'd clocked in he retrieved the CD player from the back of the storage room where it had been hidden away from Peanut's prying eyes. As he walked onto the factory floor his colleagues started shouting out musical suggestions which he blithely ignored. He waved them away with one hand and set the CD player down. 'Nope, sorry folks, I'm not taking requests today.' A collective groan went round the room. 'Hey! Just remember who approves your annual leave!' He grabbed the Three Cheers album out of his pocket and waved it in the air 'THIS will be your listening pleasure today.' There were a few more light-hearted groans and someone muttered 'Not that shite again.'

The morning started pretty peacefully and most of the staff joined in with the more popular tracks Helena, and I'm not okay. Soon it came round to track 9 Thank you for the venom. This was Simon's favourite track off Three Cheers. It was hard to pick a favourite as they were all good in their own right. Venom, though was the song he kept going back to after his split with Sophie. It just seemed to capture his hurt as well as his Fuck You anger which eventually pulled him through to the other side. Thankfully Andy was on the gravy station which was the next station down the track so they could hear each others vocals clearly. Soon they were lost in the screaming lyrics and lilting melody of the chorus. Okay they may have been singing a bit louder then usual, no doubt excited at the thought of rehearsal tonight. It just felt so right. It was only when the track ended that he realised most of the staff were staring at him and Andy. Then a voice behind him said 'Wow! You guys can actually sing!' He spun round and was face-to-face with Mrs Mateen. She was grinning from ear to ear. Then her face dropped. 'Fuck!' she muttered and ran down the track to capture two trays of meals that were now missing their peas and carrots. He spun back round to the conveyor belt and managed to load the next tray just in time. 'Sorry!' he shouted after her. He turned to Andy smiling 'I think we've just chosen our first track.'

The rest of the passed pretty pleasantly and 5:30 soon ticked round. Simon and Andy removed their masks, gowns and gloves and headed to the exit with a definite bounce in their step. 'Thank Fuck it's Friday' Andy proclaimed as he threw his gown in the laundry. 

'I'll drink to that' nodded Simon. 'We should pick up some beers on the way. I feel kind of bad that we drank all of your beers on Sunday.' 

'No you don't' Andy grinned.

'Yeah, you're right. I don't' Simon grinned back.

Andy shoved Simon playfully into the wall with his shoulder 'Arsehole'

When they got to the barn the lights were on and guitar music could be heard drifting across the lawn. The tune was familiar but Simon couldn't quite place it. He started humming along until the penny dropped 'Sweet Child of Mine!' 

They walked in the door to find Matt blindfolded hanging upside down off the end of Andy's bed playing guitar. 'Ummm why is Matt hanging off my bed?'

Porridge was sat in the opposite corner 'Well, we were talking about when we started playing music, and the first song Matt learnt to play was Sweet Child of Mine. He said he played that song so much he could play it with his eyes closed. So I said: prove it'

'But that doesn't explain why he's hanging off my bed.'

'That was his idea. He said the challenge was too easy.'

At that point Matt arched his legs up and flipped himself off the bed onto the floor. While still playing. With that he strummed the last few chords, removed the blindfold and took a bow.

Porridge clapped slowly 'Alright smartarse. You are a musical genius. I bow to your superior talents etc etc'. 

A rustling noise could be heard outside as Cassie arrived. 

Simon took up position in the middle of the room. 'Okay. So myself and Andy think our first song should be Venom.'

'Really?' cut in Cassie as she entered the room. 'Doesn't that song remind you of the bitch-faced troll?'

Simon sighed and looked briefly at the floor. He absent-mindedly ran his fingers through his hair. 'Yes, it does. But in a good way. It reminds me of using the anger to burn through the pain and coming out the other side.' He glanced at Matt. 'The bitch-faced troll was my ex-girlfriend. I caught her in bed with my best friend.' He paused for a moment looking sad. 'I miss my friend. Any way, let's crack on.'

The time flew by and before they knew it was midnight and Porridge was making noises about heading home. Cassie followed suit mumbling something about working in the morning.

Andy, Matt and Simon were wide awake and still buzzing. Andy looked from one to the other. 'You guys can stay if you want.'

'Yeah but we drank all the beers I bought.'

'That's okay I can nick some of my dad's. I'll replace them before he notices.' Andy headed out to the garage to stock up.

Simon sat down on a comfy beanbag and rested his head back. 'Mikey, Mikey, wherefore art thou Mikey'

Matt couldn't help roll his eyes. 'That's not what that means you know.'

'What do you mean?'

'It's old English. Everyone assumes it means 'where are you' but it doesn't. It means why. What Juliette is saying is 'Why are you called Romeo?' She knows that Romeo is typically is a Montague name.'

'Ooh get you brainiac!' laughs Simon ribbing him.

'Oi! I'm not just a pretty face you know! I got an A in English so my parents made me chose it as my minor so I would have something to fall back on if music failed to pan out.'

'So what happened?'

'Well, I realised I like to play music more than I liked writing bloody essays about it so I dropped out after my first year. My mum still hasn't forgiven me.'

Footsteps can be heard outside as Andy returned clutching a bag of beers. 'Forgiven you for what?'

'Oh for dropping out of uni. I was the first one to go to uni in my family and she was so proud, but it really wasn't for me. Now she's on my back about wasting my life at Lowcost.'

Simon nodded understanding 'I guess you need this band to work out as much as we do. I swear, if I'm still working at Nutri this time next year, I want you to promise me you'll put me out of my misery.' He mimed a gun to his head ' I swear each minute there takes another piece of my soul.'

'We just need a Mikey' agreed Andy. 'Matt, do you know anyone that plays bass?'

'Hmm' Matt scrunched up his forehead mentally going through all the people he knew that played base but they were all involved in bands already but drew a blank 'Not that I can think of. Sorry'

They sat in thought for a few minutes quietly sipping their beers.

Simon sat up suddenly clicking his fingers at Andy 'What about Sly? He played bass for Skeleton Skin!'

'Yeah. Yeah he did! Do you have his number?'

Simon was already fishing out his phone. 'Yeah, I do. I'll ping him a text.'

Matt looked on bemused. 'Sly?

'Oh, yeah. When we were younger there were three Simons in our friendship group so Simon Lytton became Sly.' Andy explained.

'Ah I see. Matt's a pretty common name too so at school I got called Bilbo, except one year when one of the twats in my class decided to change it to Bimbo. For the whole of Year 5 I was called Bimbo.'

'Could've been worse' Andy smirked looking towards Simon who looked horrified 'Simon had the nickname...'

'Noooooo' Simon shouted over him, leaping off the beanbag and attempting to smother Andy's mouth with his hand.

Andy pushed Simon off and ran around the room as Simon chased him 'WOODY!' he shouted while Simon was still shouting 'NO NO NO NO!'

In between ducking around guitars and chairs Andy managed to yell 'Because this one time we were getting changed for football and John Fellowes noticed Simon was sporting a half-mast.'

'It wasn't!' Simon protested 'It was just the crease on my shorts was sticking out at a funny angle.' He glared at Andy in mock anger 'I'll get you back for this you bastard.'

Matt was crying with laughter by this point. 'Ok, you win dude. That's definitely a worse nickname.'

Simon collapsed back into the beanbag and picked up his phone. 'Sly's on a job at the moment' he read from the screen 'But he says he's free when he gets back. He'll be back two months.' He looked up at Matt 'He works in construction. He's off on a job in Newcastle at the moment.' He put his phone back in his pocket as the news sank in. A smile creeping across his face. 'We have our Mikey.' He raised his bottle of beer 'I'll drink to that'

They all raised their beers and clinked them together 'Cheers'

They had their band. Now they needed an audience.


	4. Would these eyes lie to you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt is not all he seems

Matt rolled over and slowly realised he was not in his comfy bed at home. His head ached, his arm ached, his back ached. Everything ached. His throat was as dry as the Sahara. He slowly tried to open his eyes when it dawned on him 'Oh Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck!' he pressed his hands against his eyes. 'Nooooo!' 

A groggy Simon was lying next to him on Andy's floor. 'Wassup?' he managed to grumble out.

'My fucking contacts!' Matt spat out 'I forgot to take them out!' and...and ...now I can't see...and my eyes are burning'

'Oh shit man! Oi Andy, are you awake dude?'

A mumbled 'Fuck off' came from the bed the other side of the room. 

Simon sighed and picked up a nearby shoe and threw it at the lump in the bed. 'Wake up you fucker we've got a full-on eye emergency here'

The shoe hit Andy on the back of the head. That got his attention. He dragged himself upright on the bed rubbing his head 'What was that for?'

'Matt left his contacts in. What do we do?'

'Oh shit! Right.' Andy stumbled off the bed and walked over to Matt. 'Okay I need to get you into the house to the bathroom. You need to gently wash the lenses off with contact lens solution. You have to be really careful or you can damage the corneas. Simon help me put his shoes on.'

Shoes located his and Mat's shoes. They carefully led Matt up the garden path to the house. If Matt wasn't so worried about going blind he would have died of embarrassment. Andy opened the back door and led them into the kitchen. 'Morning...' his mum started then she saw Matt being led inside 'What's going on here?'

'Morning mum. Matt left his contact lenses in.'

At the mention of a crisis she jumped straight into 'mum-mode'. She ushered Matt into a nearby chair. 'Andy get the contact lens solution. It's in the right-hand bathroom cabinet next to the spare toothbrushes. Simon there's a plastic bowl under the sink can you grab it please. Right my lovely, let's have a look at you.' She gently pulled his hands away from his face. Her voice going softer as she assessed the damage. 'How long have you had them in for pet?'

'Erm, I put them in after work so around 5 yesterday.'

'Okay that's not so bad. You know it can be really dangerous to leave them in too long.' She scolded. Andy came running downstairs and handed the bottle to her. 'Now then, I need you to tip your head forwards a bit and I'm going to slowly dribble some solution into you eyes.' She angled his head over the bowel. 'I'm going to start with the right one. As I pour I want you to blink your eyes to let the solution in.' Matt obeyed and as soon as the liquid hit his eyes the burning lessoned. He kept blinking until her could bear to open his eye fully. He then tentatively touched the contact to see if it moved.

'A bit more I think' she poured some more and he tried again. This time the lens moved and then he managed to pull it off his eye. The relief was instant. He blinked and looked around but it was still blurry.

Andy's mum was looking into the bowl looking confused. She picked up the lens and held it to the light. 'What kind of contacts are these?' she asked, perplexed.

'Erm, they're um coloured lenses.' he mumbled a little embarrassed.

'What?' all three asked.

Matt sighed. 'They're brown lenses. You see I REALLY wanted to get the part in this band so I tried to look a bit more like Frank figuring it would give me and edge over the other applicants.' He looked up sheepishly. 'I also got my sister to dye and style my hair. That was the real reason I was late to the audition. Lame I know.'

Simon and Andy looked at each other astonished.

'Well now I've heard of everything.' Muttered Andy's mum. 'Okay lets get the other one out.' She tipped Matts head and gently squeezed the solution out. Having got the hang of it now the second lens came out much easier. Matt sat up and blinked. Simon crept forward overcome with curiosity. He looked at the brown lens in the bowl then into Matts eyes. They were now a startling blue albeit tinged with red. His brow furrowed with concern. 'How are they?'

Matt blinked some more and slowly looked around the room. 'The right eye is pretty clear now, and the left is getting there.' 

Simon sighed with relief. 'You nutter.' He laughed and ruffled Matts hair.

~~~~~

Since Matt, Andy, and Simon had Saturday off they spent the day playing games, watching films and knocking back more of Andy's dads beers. Porridge was off reluctantly shopping with his girlfriend. Cass was practicing with her other band 'Kill or Cure' where she played lead guitar and back-up vocals. Her girlfriend Cat was the lead singer and bass. Cat's friend from college Izzie played the drums, and Izzie's brother James played keyboard. Overall they had a goth-punk kind of look but the music was more electro-pop. It was an odd combination that somehow worked.

Since they all had Sunday off they decided to stay the night again. Well, it was more like after several more beers the floor of Andy's room seemed a lot less effort than walking home.

~~~~~

'It smells like a tramps armpit in here' huffed Cassie seriously not impressed. She stomped over to the window and flung it open.

'Coffeeeeeeee' whined Simon from somewhere on the floor.

'Get it yourself you lazy sod.' Snapped Cassie. 

'Pleeeease Cass. I'll love you forever. I might actually die from lack of caffeine' he pleaded.

'Fine, but you're getting the next three' she tutted and turned to the door.

'Make that two!' Shouted Andy from the bed.

'Make that three' came a voice from the far corner.

'Oh for fucks sake' she muttered as she headed towards the house.

By the time she returned with a tray of steaming mugs they had made movements towards getting up and tidying away the detritus from the night before.

As they settled down to inhale their coffees Porridge arrived. 'Morning knob-heads! and Cassie of course' he greeted cheerfully.

There was a murmur of greetings and general catching up. Once Simon felt almost human again he drew their attention. 'Right! Well, first off I have some good news. Sly has agreed to be our new bassist when he gets back from Newcastle.' Porridge gave a hearty cheer. Cassie however, did not look so impressed. Simon glanced at her 'What's up?'

'It's just...' she faltered 'Sly is a bit crazy and...I dunno, I just get a weird vibe off him.'

'Yeah I know he's a bit full-on' Simon tried to reassure her 'but he's a good bass player and we can keep him under control'

Cassie arched her eyebrow as if to say 'Really?'

'Okay' Simon continued 'so today we need to start thinking about a set list. This way we can concentrate on which songs we need to learn. The key is not to think about which songs you like the most, but about which songs will be good to play live. Some of their songs sound quite different live. So before we begin playing today we should watch some Youtube videos of their live shows. We need to start with a well-known song like I'm okay, and end with their most popular song Black parade. I'm okay is very high energy so good to kick-off with. Their other well-known tracks like Helena, Teenagers and Na Na Na need to be spread through the set mixed in evenly with their lesser known songs. We need to create a wave of high energy, then lower energy, then higher again and so forth. We need to pace the set so the audience doesn't get tired out too soon.' There was a murmur of approval around the room. 

Andy hunted down the TV remote and everyone got settled to watch. Simon had seen the live videos before but now it was different, because now he was watching so he could learn to be Gerard on stage. He could tell the others were feeling it too. They weren't just watching, they were scrutinising each performer. Periodically one of them would squeak 'Did you see that?' pointing out an aspect of the performance. They watched about an hour of videos before they started twitching, eager to grab their instruments and re-create the magic of My Chem.

This was only their third practice but the parts were starting to fit together. By the end of the day the set list was starting to take shape and spirits were high. Even Cassie managed to crack a small smile.

Simon knew it was early days though. He knew in order to keep the momentum going the group needed a goal to focus on, and there's nothing quite so motivating as the date of their first show.


	5. The camera always lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The band's first photo shoot

Over the coming weeks the group practiced as often as their schedules allowed. At the end of their latest practice Simon gathered the group together again. 'Now I know it's early days but we need to start working on our social media presence. To do that we need a logo and a cover photo. Does anyone have any photography skills or know someone that has and would do it for minimum cost, or preferably free?'

'My sister!' Matt jumped in 'Maria, she's doing a BTEC in media studies. I can ask her. I am her favourite brother after all'

'How many brothers do you have?' asked Porridge curiously. 

'I've got three brothers and two sisters.'

'Wait, are you one of the Bailey brothers?' asked Porridge eye widening.

'Um yeah' muttered Matt looking decidedly uncomfortable.

An uneasy quiet settled on the room. The Bailey brothers were notorious in the Ashvale area. The eldest two currently in prison serving time for breaking and entering and Grievous Bodily Harm.

Porridge broke the silence 'Shit. Note to self: don't piss Matt off.'

'C'mon guys. I can't help who I'm related to any more than you can. I'm sure you've all got some black sheep in your families.'

'Yeah we do.' Agreed Simon. A look passed between Simon and Cassie. He swiftly changed the subject. 'So, for this photoshoot I'm thinking of their iconic revenge era shoot where they're in front of some arches. Gerard is in the middle with his hand outstretched and the others are behind him covering their faces with blood covered hands.' He shows the group the photo on his phone. 'Now, I know the Black Parade era photo is more iconic but we can't afford the Black Parade jackets.' He took out his phone and flicked through a couple of screens. 'Ah, here it is. It's mostly black jeans and black shirts so should be pretty easy to put together. I'll create a group chat and send it to you. Have a root through your wardrobes and see what you've got.'

~~~~~

'So, who's the black sheep in your family then?' Matt asked as they walked home. 'I saw the way you and Cassie looked at each other.'

'Our sperm donor. He doesn't deserve the title 'dad'. ' Simon spat. 'He's a complete waste of oxygen. Leaving us was the best gift he could've given us.'

Simon hunched forward and quickened his steps. Matt got the impression that the conversation was over. 'Sorry, you don't have to talk about it. It's okay.'

Simon sighed and slowed down a little. 'Let's just say he preferred to let his hands do the talking. But that's all in the past now. He left 7 years ago and we haven't seen him since. I heard he's got a new family now. Good luck to them.'

'That's rough. '

Simon just shrugged his shoulders 'It is what it is.'

~~~~~~

Maria was happy to help. You could see the family resemblance between her and Matt. She had the same piercing blue eyes. She had long dark brown wavy hair which she'd pinned up in messy bun ready to get down to business. The day before she had helped Simon dye his hair jet black. It suited him. She'd already scoped out a location for the photoshoot. On the outskirts of town where the railway track passed over the main road where some red brick arches supporting the bridge. They decided to get ready at Andy's then take two cars to the bridge. There was an excited buzz in the room as they got ready. As Simon was the only one whose face would be visible in the photo Maria concentrated on getting him ready first. She sat down opposite Simon and opened up her make-up box.

'Okay Simon, have you worn make-up before?' she asked.

Simon laughed 'NO! Never!'

Cassie raised an eyebrow 'Yes you have!'

Simon looked as Cassie wide-eyed. 'No I haven't! ......oh wait, yes I have' He was slowly turning turning tomato red.

'Really?' smirked Matt.

Cassie grinned in glee 'Well, the first time he was 7? 8? and it was super-hero dress up day at school.'

'Shit I forgot about that!' exclaimed Simon turning even more red if that was possible.

Cassie had started laughing 'He was a beautiful wonder woman.'

'It was a dare!!!!!' Simon spluttered 'Back me up Andy!'

Andy nodded 'It was a dare, but he seemed to enjoy it!'

'You said the first time. So when else?' Matt asked Cassie.

'Well.....' teased Cassie building up the suspense 'In sixth form there was a Rocky Horror night. Simon was.........Frank N Furter'

Simon held up his hands in defeat. 'What can I say? I have the legs for it.'

'Oh my god that's hilarious!' laughed Matt. 'Cassie Pleeease tell me you have photos.'

'Oh yeah.' Smirked Cassie scrolling through her phone.

'Cass No!' yelped Simon hiding behind his hands.

They all crowded around Cassie's phone to see photos of Simon posing in high-heels, suspenders and wig. 

Matt was laughing so hard he could barely speak 'You even shaved your legs!' he gasped.

'Well of course! and I looked damn good! You're just jealous because Maria's going to make me look super-sexy.'

'Well pay attention as I'm going to show you how to do it.' Maria started picking out the pieces she would need and placed them on the desk next to them. She checked back to the photograph on her phone to pick the best match. 'Now it might look a bit over-done but trust me it will pop in the photograph.' She started painting a very pale foundation onto his skin. 

Simon started giggling but he couldn't help it. It was such a strange sensation having someone paint his face and it really tickled. The rest of the band watched with interest.

'Right, now I'm going to put fine white powder onto the foundation.' This didn't tickle as much. 'Now, the all-important eyeliner. You don't want the pencil to be too blunt as the line will be too thick and will smudge. But don't sharpen it too much as the point will be too sharp and will hurt when you try to draw on your skin.' She applied the liner expertly. Next she reached for a dark red powder. 'Okay so this is for your eyes.' This time she used a smaller brush to circle red around the eyes. It felt weirdly intimate having someone that close to your face. 'Now for the finishing touches. Gerard seems to have a wound on the side of his face so I'm going to draw that on.' She scrunched up her nose in concentration as she drew a gash across his cheek then filled in with various shades of red. Finally she stepped back and handed a mirror to Simon to admire her handiwork.

'Oh my god!' he gasped. 'That's amazing!' 

'Yeah, I know' she agreed with a chuckle. She then moved on to styling everyone's hair which didn't take quite as long. 'The good thing about this photo is that only Gerard is showing his full face, the others are pretty well hidden behind their hands.' She then posed Simon at the front with one hand stretched forward covered in blood. The others behind with blood soaked hands covering their faces. After she'd taken what felt like a hundred shots she looked down at the screen and breathed 'Perfect.'

They all gathered round to look at the result. 'Wow!' breathed Simon. It really was a good copy of the original. 

~~~~~

At the end of the shooting there was still a lot of fake blood in the bucket. Matt sauntered casually over to one of the buckets and scooped some up in his hands while singing 'I gave you......'

Simon looked over realising what was going to happen 'MATT NOOOOO!'

Matt looked around in glee 'Blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff' he carried on singing and threw handfuls at Simon and Porridge.

'You fucker!' yelled Porridge running towards the buckets. Matt carried on singing while scooping up more handfuls of the shiny crimson liquid. Soon everyone was joining in with both the singing and the impromptu blood fight. It looked like a massacre. Cassie had Simon in a headlock and was smothering his face in fake blood. Matt had climbed onto Andy's back and was moulding his hair into a bloody spikes. Porridge attempted to pour the last remnants from the bucket down the back of Matts trousers. Maria, very sensibly stayed out of the foray on the excuse that she didn't want to get the camera wet. She carried on snapping the chaos unfolding before her. She smiled to herself 'These photos are going to look awesome on the website!'


	6. First time for everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their first show

It was the start of a practice session and as usual Simon gathered the group together to discuss what the plan was. 'So....' he started 'I have a small announcement to make.' All eyes were on him. 'We are playing our first gig in one month.' Cries of 'WHAT????' and 'What the fuck?''' echoed round the room. 'Okay calm down' he continued 'It will just be our family and friends. I've booked out the community hall. If we're going to be serious about this band we need exposure to performing. We need to play anything and everything we can. Weddings, funeral, bah mitzvas, whatever. It's the only way to hone our craft. If we can't play in front of family and friends who are on our side, and want us to succeed then we'll never be ready for proper venues where you never know if the audience will love us or hate us.

'True' agreed Andy 'In the early days My Chem played literally played any gig they could. They even had bottles thrown at them. '

Murmurs of agreement came from the rest of the group. Simon was right. With a deadline to work to the group focussed and worked harder than they had before. Practicing well into the early hours.

After practice and Matt walked home together. Cass had her motorbike and waved as she went past. 'Do you think we'll really be ready in a month?' asked Matt.

'It doesn't matter if we are or not. You learn so much more from playing gigs and playing with other bands than you will ever learn from jamming in someone's room.' Matt nodded in agreement. 'It will also be the start of our social media presence. I plan to have photos and video clips of the gig on the web page. We also need to start thinking about merch. Our first gigs we'll probably only cover the cost of petrol and not a lot else so if we can put together some merch like T-shirts, badges, postcards, that kind of thing, that will all help. We have to be careful about copyright so pictures that are MCR inspired rather than direct copies would be good along with our band name logo.'

'Hmm, that's a really interesting idea. Kind of like what merch we wish My Chem would make.' agreed Matt.

'Yes! Yes exactly! The kind of merch WE would buy.'

'I'll speak to Maria and see what kinds of stuff she has access to at the college. Like, printing posters and stuff.'

'Oooh yes! Posters too!'

They continued their walk bouncing ideas off each other. Simon knew when he got home there was no chance of sleeping. Too many ideas were buzzing around his head. He would be really tired at work tomorrow. Good job he could do his job in his sleep.

~~~~~

The band fell into a comfortable routine. Every practice they would watch clips from the live shows of the songs on their set list then practice their set over and over again. The month quickly passed and all too soon it was time. Time to show people what they were made of. Simon was nervous and knew the others would be too. The gig was planned for 6pm on a Sunday. He arranged for them to set up the stage in the early afternoon then go to the pub for a pint to take the edge off. They would play for an hour then head back to the pub to recover. Even Cass who didn't usually drink much left her motorbike at home so she could have a pint or three.

'Well, this is it.' Simon lifted his glass 'Cheers everyone, and good luck' A chorus of 'Cheers' went round the group and everyone clinked glasses.

'How many people are coming?' asked Andy

Simon looked round the group adding up numbers 'Well mum is coming and Cassie's girlfriend. Andy's mum and dad and nan are coming. Porridge is bringing his sister, his girlfriend, mum, dad, uncle, and his friend Rory. Oh, some of the people from work are coming. Some of Matts siblings are coming, mum, dad, nan, grandad, and a few cousins. So I think about 30 people.'

'Maria's bringing a camera so make sure you're looking sexy' Matt wiggled his eyebrows and growled making the group laugh and easing the tension a little.

'Great. So there will be photographic evidence of me making a total fool of myself' whined Porridge.

'You'll be at the back hiding behind your drum kit.' soothed Simon. 'I'm the one that has to do all the hard work at the front of the stage fighting off adoring fans and hysterical girls throwing their knickers at me'

'Yeah, Andy's nan has always had a thing for you' sniggered Porridge.

Matt spat his beer out laughing.

'Ew that's my nan you're talking about!' Protested Andy. 'But you're right, she's always liked Simon. She is single you know.' He said nudging Simon.

'I do NOT need your match-making skills. Thank you very much. Especially not with an OAP!' huffed Simon with mock indignation. 'Look I know I've had a bit of a dry spell but I'm not that desperate!'

'Yet' muttered Porridge.

'Oi!' exclaimed Simon and threw a beer coaster at him. 'Right that's enough talk about my lack of a love life. It's showtime!'

~~~~~

It was the same hall that Matt had performed his audition in just a few short months ago. This time, rows of plastic chairs had been laid out for their eager audience. As the chairs filled up the band fiddled and adjusted their instruments for the umpteenth time as their nerves jangled and clashed inside them. Although they all had some experience of performing, this was their first performance with this band. Although it was friends and family somehow that made Simon feel more nervous. At least if it was a room full of strangers and they sucked, they would never see them again!

Once everyone was seated and settled Simon stood up to the mic. 'Good afternoon everyone. We are My Chemical Fauxmance and this is our first gig, so please be gentle' a couple of titters came from the audience. Simon closed his eyes and counted them in. He kept his eyes shut as he launched into the first line from Teenagers. He tried to pretend it was just him, at home, singing in the shower. He kept his eyes screwed shut for the entire first verse. He knew he looked ridiculous so he peeled his eyes opened and focussed on the clock at the opposite end of the room. By the end of the song his nerves had stilled enough for him to sweep a quick glance at the audience. His eyes caught his mother's and he could see pride shining in her eyes as she clapped and whistled. He immediately felt better and when he launched into their next song Famous Last Words his voice was stronger and more confident.

The show went surprisingly well. Even though Matt caught the symbol stand with his foot sending it into flying into Porridge's forehead and leaving a mark. Simon enjoyed it even more when Matts grand-parents tutted and huffed every time there was a swear word. Back at the pub everyone was buzzing with adrenaline. Every miss-step and every fudged chord was dissected. This was what Simon wanted. Now they knew where their weak points were and what they needed to work on.


	7. When you only get two cheers for sweet revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't mess with Cass

Practice started in the usual way watching some video clips then working on the parts that needed fine tuning. Something was up with Cassie though. Her phone kept flashing and she would quickly type out a text each time. It was so unlike Cassie. Then it flashed continually indicating that whoever was texting her was now phoning her but she ignored it. It rang a couple more times then Cassie fired off another text then switched off her phone.

'Everything okay Cass?' asked Simon concerned.

'Yep, fine.' she replied looking anything but fine.

Simon started to say' Are you sure' when his phone started ringing. He pulled it out of his pocket and looked confused. 'Cass why is your girlfriend phoning me?'

'Don't answer it.' Cass commanded.

'Okay but you've got to tell me why.'

'Fine' huffed Cassie. She nodded towards the door indicating her and Simon should take this conversation outside.

She sat down on the step and sighed. Simon sat next to her. She switched her phone back on and opened her camera roll. She opened a photo and handed the phone to Simon. He looked closely then gasped eyes widened 'Cass, is that...is that...Cat with...with Izzy?' The photo showed Cassie's girlfriend Cat lying on a bed locking lips with Izzy, the drummer for their band.

Cassie sighed again 'I came home from work early because I had a migraine and found them.'

'What did you say to them? What did you do?'

'They didn't notice me so I didn't say anything, I just snapped the photo and crept out. So, I arranged a fake gig for our band.'

'What?'

'I told them we'd been booked for South Down Uni student's union. I said I'd meet them there as I would go and visit my cousin on the way. So that's where they are now. Sixty miles away for a non-existent gig. I waited until they were getting super confused and pissed off, then I sent them the photo.'

'Damn Cassie!'

'Yeah, I know. I really fucking liked her Si.' Cassie looked sad but she didn't cry. She wasn't a crier. Even as a toddler she barely cried, just glared.

'I'm sorry Cass.' He gave her shoulder a squeeze. Cass wasn't a hugger either but she appreciated the gesture.

'Thanks. I also ripped out the last two pages of the book she's reading.'

Simon did an excellent impression of a fish out of water gasping for air.

'And I set up Alexa with multiple alarms at random times of the night.' she was starting to giggle now. 'I um...may have replaced her hair conditioner with hair removal cream.'

'Damn Cass I'm a little bit scared of you now. Let's go and play some rock and fucking roll and get all that anger out!'

Cassie chuckled and they made their way back inside.

As they turned to go back inside a voice behind them stopped them in their tracks. 'Alright benderrrrrrrs!' shouted a tall slim toned guy as he jumped on Simon's back. 'Sly! You're back! exclaimed Simon once he'd caught his breath.

'Yeah we finished the job early so I thought I'd check out this sexy new band you've put together. Hey Cass!' he looked her up and down 'Still batting for the other team I see. Let me know if you change your mind' He winked at her.

Cassie rolled her eyes so hard it hurt 'Fuck off Sly. Even if you were the last human on earth I'd rather be permanently single.'

'I'm only joking with you. Now where's the rest of the reprobates?' He headed into the room followed by Simon and Cassie.

Porridge leapt up from behind the drum kit and tackled Sly to the ground shouting 'Wanker!' as a kind of war-cry.

'I love you too big boy' replied Sly once he'd got his breath back. 'And you must be the new boy' he nodded towards Matt.

'Hi yeah I'm Matt and I'm guessing you're the infamous Sly?'

'That I am indeed. All the rumours are true especially the juicy ones' he replied with an exaggerated wink. 

Andy helped Sly up off the floor and handed him a beer 'Andy my man. Much appreciated. Now, how's about I show you girls how it's done. Simon sent me the set list so I'm pretty much up to speed with the base parts. You lot just need to keep up with me.'

Cassie rolled her eyes again. She was seriously going to get eye strain if she stayed around Sly too long. 'Well I will leave you guys to it. Have fun.' Simon followed her out the door 'Are you sure you're okay Cass?'

'Yeah I'm fine honestly. I just can't handle being around Sly right now. He's an obnoxious prick at the best of times.'

'Yeah I know. Text me if you need anything. I can stop by the pizza place on the way home if you want.'

'Yeah that will be cool. Thanks. See you later.'

The rest of the evening passed fairly uneventfully. The only problem being Sly had as much crazy energy as Matt when playing and twice they managed to accidently head-butt each other. As they were packing up Simon looked up from his phone. 'Hey guys! The Red Lion has a slot for 'up and coming' bands every Friday. It looks like they have a slot the end of next month so that's five weeks away. Can we all make that date?' Everyone got out their phones and flicked through their calendars. Porridge looked up 'No sorry mate, girlfriends birthday that night. What about the week before, the 19th?' Simon looked back in the website 'Yes they have an early evening slot the week before. Can everyone do that one?' Nods of approval and mutters of Yes went around the room. Simon dramatically pressed the button on his phoned and announced 'Booked. Now as it's an amateur night we won't get paid for the gig but the landlady usually throws in a few beers and it will be good exposure. If we do well on the night they might offer us a proper paid booking in the future'

Andy looked around the room 'That only gives us four weeks though. Now with Sly in the band we should increase our practice sessions to four or five times a week.'

'Yep, good point Andy' Simon agreed. 'Can everyone do Wednesdays?' Again a wave of nods went round the room. 'Okay, Wednesdays it is.'

~~~~~

After they'd all said their goodbyes Simon and Matt started their walk home. 'So what do you make of Sly then?'

'Honestly? He's a prick but if you vouch for him then he's cool with me.' 

Simon laughed 'Yeah he is a prick but he's harmless. I think.'

'So what was up with Cass this evening?'

'She caught her girlfriend in bed with her drummer'

'Oh. That's savage.' His eyes glinted with anger 'Do you want me to send one of my sisters round to put the frighteners on her? Maria has a mean right-hook.'

'No no that's fine. She already sent them on a wild-goose chase to a phantom gig at South Downs Uni. You don't have to worry about Cass. She can definitely take care of herself.'

'Okay well let me know if you change your mind. No-one fucks with my friends.'

Simon smiled a little to himself 'Friends eh?'

Matt laughed and elbowed Simon in the ribs 'Yes you wazzock. You're my friend now. There's no escape.'

'Is that so?' laughed Simon running off.

Matt raced off after him. He was pretty fast for a short guy. He waited until they were running over a grassy area then leapt at Simons feet toppling Simon over. The both lay on the grass giggling like kids. Matt jumped up then offered his hand to pull Simon up. 'See? no escape'


	8. Velocity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their second show doesn't quite go to plan. Hold on tight.

The night of their second gig soon came around. They met at the Red Lion an hour before their slot to get everything set up and down a quick pint to take the edge of their nerves. Everyone was there except Porridge. It got to 5:15 and Simon was starting to twitch. 'Does anyone know where Porridge is? He's not normally late. After another ten minutes he dialled Porridge's number and got the voice mail yet again. He was about to leave another angry message when Porridge shuffled through the door.

'Hey, sorry I'm late'

'Porridge! You look like shit! What the fuck?' exploded Simon.

'Yeah, had a stag do last night and I'm hanging out my arse.' Porridge replied sheepishly.

'Well get your shit together we are on in 30 minutes.' he huffed.

'Don't worry Si, I'll take him outside for some fresh air. He'll be right as rain.' Sly led Porridge out into the car park.

About twenty minutes later Porridge and Sly burst back into the pub grinning like morons. 'Lets go bitches!' Yelled Porridge running over to the drum kit.' 

Simon glared at Sly who just smirked back. There was no time to dwell on it as they started their sound checks. 

As they launched into the first song it was clear that something wasn't quite right. The tempo that Porridge was setting was...off. Simon and Andy shared concerned glances. It was about half a beat faster than usual. As they played out the final notes of 'I'm not okay' Andy walked over to Porridge and muttered 'Slow down porridge!'

The second song the same thing happened. This time Andy turned from his position and stood in front of Porridge to try and direct his timing but it wasn't working.

Simon looked from Porridge to Sly and back again. The the penny dropped. Once the second song he stepped over to Andy and hissed in his ear 'He's speeding his tits off!'

Andy looked at him in panic 'Shit!'

There was nothing for it. With amphetamine running through his veins Porridge couldn't slow down so they just had to keep up with him. They were about half way through their set and just finished a lightening-fast version of Na Na Na when Andy tugged onto Simon's sleeve and whispered in his ear panicking 'We're going too fast! We're going to run out of songs! You need to stall!'

Simon thought for a second and said 'Play a long intro to......Destroya and I'll make some shit up to stall for time.' Andy nodded then let the others know the change of plan. Walking back to his spot he started the repetitive beat.

Simon took a deep breath and grabbed the mike. 'So, how are we all doing tonight?' A few half-hearted 'yays' came from the room. 'Are we feeling......sexy?' He said and quirked his eyebrow. There were a few giggles and a couple of whistles. 'Cos you know, I'm feeling sexy tonight.' A couple more cheers and whistles. He started striding up and down the stage as if he owned it. 'And I want you all to have a good time. I want to see you all singing and dancing and having a good time.' He wrapped the lead from the microphone around his wrist and flexed the lead like a whip. 'Now I am the sheriff of emo town and what I say is the law. So for this next song I want to hear you moan. I want to hear you moan like you really mean it.' He paused at the front of the stage and threw his head back and let out a long guttural moan. He looked back the audience 'Your turn' he turned the mike towards the audience. A cacophony of over-the-top moans came from the growing crowd as more people became interested in the show. 'Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. So I'm sure you're all familiar with the Destroya moans.' More cheers and whistles as the crown became more animated. 'So for those who don't know, they go a little something like this. Uh uh uh uh uh' He then held the mike out again as the audience copied the moans back. He went back and forth a few times building the audience up. His ears picked up that Matt was also enthusiastically joining in so for the next bar he strode over to share a mike with Matt. The whistles and cheers got louder as Simon and Matt moaned heavily into the mike together. Simon built up the intensity slowly until he screamed and jumped into the air signalling the start of the song. He resumed his position back the the mike and every time the song go to the moaning parts Simon humped the microphone stand in time with his moans. From there the set list fell back into place. It was still a little fast so between each song Simon threw in fillers such as dancing, jumping and prancing around the stage. As the last few chords of the final song played out Simon was exhausted but grinning ear to ear.

Once they had packed away their equipment they collapsed in the back bar with some well-earned cold beers. Everyone was dripping with sweat but buzzing knowing they'd played a good set. 'Porridge! Never again!' panted Simon. 'You nearly killed us trying to keep up!'

'Seriously.' Joined Matt 'My fingers are bleeding! I got a stitch singing Na Na Na!'

Porridge at least had the decency to look guilty. Sly however, thought the whole thing was hilarious. 'It's alright for YOU Sly! You were speeding too so you could keep up with him!' objected Andy.

'Fine fine' Sly tried to placate Andy 'You can all have some speed next time'

'NOOOOOO!' was the resounding chorus and various objects were thrown at Sly or in his direction. 

'How about Simon tonight though' Sly tried to deflect attention away from himself 'I didn't know you had it in you Si'

'Neither did I!' Simon shook his head in disbelief.

'Tell you what though' Andy joined in 'the audience loved it. I think we should incorporate it into the set.'

'Yeah' Simon agreed thinking it through 'that is what made My Chem so successful. They knew it wasn't just about playing good music, it's about putting on a show.'

A loud belly laugh from Porridge interrupted their conversation 'Guys, you need to look at the band website.'

They all hurriedly whipped out their phones and looked up the website. Photos from the gig had already been loaded by Maria who had been snapping shots from the audience. They looked really good. As Simon scrolled down he realised what Porridge was laughing at. There was a photo of Simon with eyes closed, head thrown back, hips thrust against the microphone stand. He groaned and hid behind his hands. Sly had obviously got to the same photo as he shouted out 'Oh my god Simon! That's your orgasm face!'

'No it's not!' he protested 'and how the fuck would you know!'

'Oh my god have you seen the one below it!' exclaimed Andy. It was a photo of Simon sharing the mike with Matt. 'Look look! It looks like you're spitting into each others mouths!' everyone was cracking up laughing while Simon muttered 'Kill me now.' 

'Does that mean we got to first base?' Matt grinned then fake pouted 'You didn't even buy me dinner!'

'Yeah, we're practically married now.' Simon grinned back.

'Sweet! My mum will be so happy.' giggled Matt.

Comments were appearing under the photos. Most of them from friends and co-workers taking the mickey, but some were people they didn't know saying things like 'Hot!' and 'Sexy!' Little did they know that these pictures would land them their next gig and a paid one at that.


	9. Matt loses a bet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt embraces his feminine side. Things hot up at their next show.

Sunday practice rolled around and one by one they filtered into Andy's room. Matt was the last to arrive and as he stepped into the room he tripped up and went flying into the corner of the desk earning himself a nice bruise on the temple. Porridge cracked up laughing. He was laughing so hard he was clutching his sides and fell onto the floor. Everyone else looked around confused. It wasn't that funny. Porridge was pointing at Matt 'He...He' he tried to speak but was laughing too much. He tried again 'You lose!' tears were now streaming down his face.  
Matt sat on the floor rubbing his head 'Fuck.'  
Porridge gulped trying to regain his breath 'You fell over nothing!' he roared again.  
Clearly they weren't going to get any explanation out of him so they turned to Matt.  
He sighed still rubbing his head 'We kind of had a bet. We were arguing about who is the most accident-prone in the band. He says I am but I said he was. Anyway, he bet me I couldn't make it through one practice without hurting myself or anyone else.' Porridge waved his hand as if to say 'go on'. 'So anyway, the deal was if I lost the bet I would have to dress as a woman for our next gig.' Porridge was now lying on the floor crying with laughter. A smile crept up into the corner of Matts mouth. 'Yeah, well the joke's on you. I look hot as a chick!'  
'It must be fate' Simon smiled 'I was contacted by the LGBT group at South Downs college. They saw our shots from the gig at the Red Lion and someone's sister was at the gig. They're having a Spring ball next weekend and the band they booked dropped out as the lead singer has appendicitis. So they wondered if we would be available.' A surprised gasp went round the room. 'It's on Saturday starting at 9pm. So, are we up for it?' Everyone got out their phones and checked calendars. Porridge and Andy had plans but said they could change them. 'I'll let them know then.'  
~~~~~  
Their first official paid gig! It was nerve-wracking but exciting. The week dragged so slowly Simon thought it would never end but finally it was the weekend. Simon managed to bribe Cass into borrowing their mum's car and driving himself, Matt and Maria who had become their unofficial photographer, to the gig. As they drew up to Matts house Matt was standing outside with Maria clutching a large bag with what appeared to be a wig peeking through the top. As they clambered inside the back of the car Simon eyed the bag. 'Is that what I think it is?'  
'Yes,' Matt replied 'I'm going to change when we get there. There's no way I'm brave enough to stand around in drag on this estate!' Simon pulled at the bag to see inside but Matt slapped his hand away 'No peaking!'  
Porridge managed to borrow a van from his dad so himself and Andy took the van. Sly would be joining them at the venue.  
~~~~~  
They arrived in good time to set up their equipment and have a pint in the student union bar to take the edge of their nerves. Well, everyone except Sly who was yet to be seen. Matt made his way to the men's toilets to get ready while Simon twitched nervously looking up every time the bar door opened. He checked his watch for the millionth time and checked his phone but there were no messages.   
The phone in Porridge's pocket beeped. He took it out and read the message. 'Fuck!' he exclaimed loudly. 'Sly's been arrested.'  
After a beat as the information sunk in panic set in 'What the fuck? what do we do now? What's he been arrested for?' Simon was literally grabbing and pulling on his hair.  
Porridge shrugged 'No idea.'  
'What do we do? do we cancel? Can we play without him?' Simon was desperately looking around the room. Cassie caught his eye 'Cass! You could do it! You know all the parts. Please Cass! You're the best sister in the world and I'll love you forever.' He dropped to his knees in front of her with praying hands. She rolled her eyes then nodded. He leapt to his feet and to her disgust hugged her hard. 'Ugh, can you NOT!' tried to push him off but she was smiling. 'Right I need to dash' she got the car keys out of her pocket. Simon looked confused. 'To get my guitar dur-brain. We've only got 20 mins to show time so I need to fly.'  
'Oh yes. Run Cassie Run! Run like the wind!' Simon virtually pushed her towards the door.  
'But drive carefully!' Andy shouted after her.  
'Yes mum' she retorted.  
They finished their drinks and made their way to the stage. The hall was bigger than it looked from the outside. Simon guessed there were well over 200 people. It was a typical student union, dark, noisy and packed, with cheap drinks freely flowing. They all took their places under the stage lights and Maria signalled from the side that Matt was also ready. Cassie rushed on from the side in the nick of time. Simon stepped up to the mike. 'Hello, good evening, and welcome.' he waited as the noise died down. 'We are My Chemical Fauxmance and we are very excited to be here. Our rhythm guitarist unfortunately lost a bet earlier this week so tonight for one night only, please welcome......Helena Handbasket!' There were whistles and cheers as Matt stepped shakily onto the stage. He was wearing thigh-high black boots, a black and purple plaid skirt, a cropped black T-shirt and a long purple and black wig. He blew exuberant kisses to the crowd as he wobbled over to his guitar. As he bent over to pick it up there were several wolf whistles. He giggled and tried to pull the skirt down a bit as he stood back up. He muttered to himself 'How the hell do girls walk in these boots?' Simon counted them in and they launched into their first song 'I'm not okay.' The energy in the crowd was high and the band threw themselves into the song especially Matt. When it got to the line 'Because I'm telling you the truth. I mean this. I'm okay' Matt jumped in with 'Fuck me'  
When they got round to playing Destroya they'd already planned to work up the crowd as they had at the previous gig. Simon pranced around the stage really getting into the role and had the crowd moaning and chanting. As before he made his way over to Matt so they could share a mike. They started the Destroya moans but this time the crowd was chanting. It took a few seconds for them to work out that they were chanting Kiss Kiss Kiss. They shared a look between them. Simon raised an eyebrow as if asking if they should. Matt gave a very subtle nod. As before they increased their moans until instead of screaming this time Simon locked lips with Matt. The kiss lasted seconds and then Simon reached behind Matt and gave him an exaggerated spank. The crowd roared approval. He skipped back to the front of the stage as they launched into the song.   
The rest of the set passed better than Simon could have hoped for. This time when they played the last notes of the Black Parade the crowd was chanting More More More! Simon looked at the others. They didn't really know what to do as they hadn't planned for an encore. 'Thank you. Thank you so much. We don't really have an encore as we've played all the songs we've learnt so far.' There were a few disappointed groans from the audience then a new chant started 'Destroya destroya destroya'. He looked back at the rest of the band and shrugged. They all nodded or shrugged back. He looked off to the side to the organiser who gave a thumbs up. 'Alright. The masses have spoken.' He mock bowed to the audience. A wave of whistles and cheers flowed across the room. 'Now you sexy people. This time I want to see you move. I want to see your filthiest, dirtiest, sluttiest moves. Otherwise I feel like I'm the one doing all the work, and I hate it when I'm the one doing all the work. Don't you?' He was hamming it up for the audience and he was loving it. 'Oh yeah. You're looking good tonight you sexy people.' The chant of 'Kiss kiss kiss' started again. Simon skipped over to Matt but this time stood behind him. Matt leaned back onto him. Simon slid his hand suggestively down the front of Matts top. The crowd roared. As they increased their intensity of their Destroya moans Simon thrust his body in time with the moans so it appeared as if he was taking Matt from behind. Then with one last thrust jumped into the song.  
~~~~~  
After the set finished everyone was buzzing with adrenaline. They tidied up and packed away in record time. Simon came back from the bar manager's office with cash in hand. 'So, everyone we have our first payment. Now I have a proposal: I think we should use the bulk of it to buy materials to make merch, but some of it we should use to buy cheap student uni beer and celebrate back at Andy's'. The manager has offered to sell use bottles of beer at cost price.' He looked around and everyone was nodding in agreement. This was definitely something worth celebrating.  
~~~~~  
When everyone got back to Andy's they were all talking nineteen to the dozen. Remembering great moments from the set. Matt sat down and zipped off the boots. He breathed a sigh of relief and wiggled his toes. 'Never again!'  
'Aw but you look so cute in your sexy boots' Porridge said pouting and blew him a kiss.  
'Yeah, you're right I do.' Matt nodded in agreement. 'Simon couldn't keep his hands off me'  
'Ew I do NOT want to be reminded of THAT' Cassie grimaced.  
'But Cassie! It's true love! We're gonna get married and live in a cottage by the sea with our two Pekinese fur-babies called Kim and Kanye' Simon clutched his heart dramatically.  
'We are NOT calling our fur-babies Kim and Kanye'  
'Are too!'  
'Aw the first lovers tiff' Porridge sighed dramatically.  
Cassie rolled her eyes.  
'You can be my bridesmaid Cass' Simon batted his eyes at her getting a middle finger salute in response.  
Andy finished handing out the beers at stood in the centre of the room. He raised his bottle in a toast 'To the groom and groom'  
'Fuck off' replied Simon  
'Okay. To us! My Chemical Fauxmance' this was followed by lots of 'Cheers' and clinking of bottles.  
'Oooh Maria said she's started loading photos from tonight on the website' Matt exclaimed not looking up from his phone.  
Everyone scrabbled in pockets to check their phones. 'I'm not sure if I want to see this' muttered Simon in trepidation taking a large swig of beer. As he scrolled down he had to admit the photos were good. Maria had good shots of each member as well as a couple of group shots. Simon was almost at the bottom of the page when he saw it. A video clip of Destroya. 'Oh my god. Matt! Tell Maria to take down the video! That is so embarrassing! If my mum's sees it I'll die!'  
Matt fired off a text. A few seconds later a reply pinged. He looked at Simon ' She says it's too late it's already all over Facebook.'  
'What? Why?' Simon spluttered.  
Everyone opened their Facebook apps. Simon had multiple notifications. He clicked on one and someone had created a gif of Simon spanking Matt accompanied by 'Hit me baby one more time.' More like 'Kill me baby one more time' muttered Simon. It had already gathered over a hundred views and 20 shares. Simon started reading the comments. Like the pictures from their first show there was a mixture of sarcastic comments from family and friends but also some not-very-safe-for-work comments regarding certain sexual activities they would like to perform on them. Simon found himself blushing awkwardly. As he scrolled down a comment caught his eye 'Poundland Frerard!' he read out pretending to be highly insulted.  
'What's Frerard?' asked Cassie.  
Simon leant over and patted her on the head 'Oh my sweet summer child. Let me show you'


	10. Cassie toast!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nod to one of my favourite fan fics. Drunken shenanigans ensue!

Andy retrieved the tv remote from the desk and switched on the tv. 'It's easier if we just show you' he explained to Cassie. He brought up Youtube and entered Frerard into the search bar. After watching a couple of videos Cassie glared at Simon 'I swear to god Simon, if you publicly masturbate on stage I will kick you in the balls then disown you.'

Simon flinched a little as he knew she was completely serious. 'Cass it's just for show he wasn't actually wanking himself off. Look'! he stood up to demonstrate 'You see his hand moves down like this. His fingers are splayed away from his body so he's not actually rubbing his dick it just looks like it!'

'Thanks, but I really didn't need a visual for that Si.' Cassie grumbled 'So how do you explain the video where his hand is actually down his pants! Actually never mind, it doesn't matter, just promise me you won't wank on stage'

Simon giggled and placed his hand on his heart 'I solemnly swear I will not masturbate on stage'

'So do you think it was real then?' Cassie asked Simon. He just shrugged in reply. 'I kind of hope it wasn't otherwise that's really sad.' she continued. 'You know, unrequited love and all that.'

'I think it was just stage gay.' Andy Joined in 'Frank was with Jamia really early on so I think it was just for show. Just two guys who were comfortable enough with their sexuality to be gay above the waist.'

'Gay above the waist!' laughed Porridge. 'Is that like saying ''no homo'' before doing anything makes it not gay?'

'Yep that's the rule' Simon trying and failing to keep a straight face. 'You can totally bang a whole football team and as long as you same no homo it doesn't count as gay.'

After that the beers flowed freely. They sang along to songs on Youtube. Andy had a reputation for being a lightweight and tonight was no exception. Simon waved to get the attention of Porridge then pointed at Andy asleep on the floor. He gave Andy a tentative nudge with his foot and there was no response. Porridge rubbed his hands together in glee 'Time for Buckeroo.

'Buckeroo?' asked Matt.

'Yeah, remember that game where you had a plastic donkey, then you had to pile stuff on the donkey until eventually got too much and the donkey bucked and all the stuff fell off?' explained Simon. 'Well, we have a rule that the first person to pass out gets loaded with objects until they wake up.' Simon picked up an empty cup to demonstrate and carefully balanced it on Andy's back. Matt soon got the idea and joined Simon, Porridge and Cassie balancing things on Matts back such as shoes, beer bottles, CDs, books. Anything they could get their hands on. They managed to stack everything to a fair height and Andy hadn't stirred. Simon snapped a couple of photos and posted them onto the web page. Simon looked around and shrugged 'He's not waking up!'

Porridge thought for a moment then snapped his fingers 'Give him a wet willy!'

Simon giggled then licked his finger and poked it in Andy's ear. Andy woke with a jump and all the items stacked on his back went flying off and crashing all around him. 'You bastards!' he grumbled then slowly slipped back to sleep.

'Wow!' Matt exclaimed once he stopped laughing long enough to speak 'That man sure loves his sleep.'

Simon sat up suddenly 'I need cheese!'

'What?' laughed Matt.

'No seriously, I need cheeeeeeese!'

'Ooh I need toast!' Cassie shouted from the corner of the room.

'Mmm cheese ON toast' Simon was salivating at the thought. 'Right, that's it. I'm getting cheese on toast.' He tried to stand up but found his legs weren't doing what they were supposed to. So instead he started crawling to the door. 'Matt come here.' He ordered 'We're going to make toast.' Matt also found standing difficult so he crawled after Simon out the door. Once outside Simon fell onto the grass giggling. Matt grabbed Simon's shirt and pulled him back up.

'Come on Simon! We're on a mission! We need to make toast!' he said pointing to the house. Gradually they crawled up the lawn stopping every minute collapsing in giggles. After what felt like an eternity they reached the back step. Just as Simon was trying to work out how to use a door handle the door opened and a shaft of light beamed out. A not very happy looking women was stood in the doorway. 'And what do you two think you're doing? she asked raising an eyebrow.

'Sorry Andy's mum.' Simon said sheepishly. 'We were hungry so we were going to make cheese on toast.'

'In this state! I think not. I would rather NOT have my kitchen burnt down thank you very much.'

'But Cassie needs toast!' begged Simon starting to giggle.

'Wait there.' she instructed. After a few minutes she came back with a multi-pack of Mars bars and handed them to Simon. 'This should keep you going 'til breakfast.'

'Thanks Andy's mum' Simon grinned.

'You're the best' Matt also started to giggle.

They turned around and started to crawl back to the barn. It seemed to take even longer going back. Matt decided it might be quicker to do roly-polys down the grass. It wasn't and he felt slightly queasy. The sight of a grown man trying to do roly-polys in a short skirt was enough to send Simon into another fit of giggles.

They crawled back through the door and looked around. They'd taken so long that everyone had fallen asleep. Simon looked at Andy still asleep on the floor. He looked up to Andy's bed and at Matt who nodded. They crawled through the room and climbed onto Andy's bed. Simon pulled the packet of Mars bars out of this pocket and handed one to Matt. They sat silently chewing until Simon whispered 'This is the best goddam Mars bar I've ever eaten.'

Mat giggled 'Me too!'

Simon mumbled something about awesome friends but fell asleep mid-sentence. Matt followed swiftly after.

~~~~~

Matt and Simon were suddenly woken when Porridge launched himself across the bed yelling 'Timber!!!!!!' He landed heavily across Matt and Simon knocking the air out of their lungs. 'Aw look, they're spooning!' Porridge grinned. Simon realised that yes they were in fact spooning, but also his arm was draped around Matt's waist. How did that happen? His arm was trapped under Porridge so if he tried to move it Porridge would realise. Luckily Matt lifted both his arms and shoved Porridge away giving Simon time to quickly remove his arm before anyone noticed.

'Fuck off Porridge' grumbled Simon rubbing his eyes. He looked around Cassie and Andy were nowhere to be seen.

'Cass and Andy are up at the house finishing breakfast. I was sent back to see if you guys want any.'

Simon pulled a face and rubbed his stomach. 'I don't think my stomach is ready for solids. I would kill for a cuppa though.'

Matt nodded in agreement. He sat up then held his head. 'I think I'm still drunk!'

'Okay I'll tell then to put a pot on. I'll meet you up there.' Porridge headed towards the door. Simon gingerly lifted himself up to sitting then moved to stand up when Matt suddenly exclaimed 'Shit!'

'What? What's the matter' asked Simon then he followed Matts gaze to the space where Simon had just been sleeping. There was a large sticky brown patch. It took a few seconds for his brain to catch up. 'The Mars bar! I must've fallen asleep eating it!' He and Matt then collapsed in fits of giggles.

Once they'd located their shoes they made their way up to the house and entered the kitchen. Cassie was sat at the kitchen table with a plate covered in toast. Matt just stared at her.

'What?' asked Cassie though a mouthful of toast. ''You don't understand man. I just fucking love toast!'


	11. London Baby!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out what happened to Sly. Cassie is awesome. Their first interview.

Monday night practice came around and their hangovers had just about subsided. Simon looked around the room as it dawned on him Sly was still missing. 'Hey Porridge!' Simon headed towards him 'Do you know where Sly is?' he still hadn't forgiven him for missing the gig but he needed to know where his bass player was. Porridge frowned 'No, I haven't heard anything. I tried his number a few times yesterday but it was switched off. I've got a cousin who works down at the nick I'll give him a call.' He took out his phone and walked outside to make the call. A couple of minutes later he came back inside sniggering. 'He was arrested for flashing!' 

Well Simon wasn't expecting THAT and he didn't see what was so funny about that. He gestured for Porridge to continue. 'He denied it, said he was out jogging in his underpants. Wait, wait! It gets better!' he took a breath 'The lady who reported him said ''if that was underpants then that's the hairiest pair of underpants I've ever seen!''   
Okay Simon had to admit that was kind of funny but it left him with a dilemma. 'That's fucked up man. There's no way I can have a sex predator in this band. My Chem are totally against anything like that. They respect women and so do I. Dammit Sly! Now we need to find another bass player.'

'What about Cassie?' asked Matt.

'What about Cassie? She was just helping out. Besides, she's got her own band.'

'No she hasn't. They split up remember.'

'Oh yeah. I forgot. But that's besides the point.' He looked at Matt like he was an idiot. 'We're a My Chem cover band. Cassie is a GIRL.'  
'So?'

'Mikey is a BOY! It would ruin our whole aesthetic to have a girl in the band.'

The conversation was getting heated. Matt raised his voice 'Cassie looks more like Mikey than Sly ever did! She drove us to the venue. She jumped in last minute to cover and did you even say thank-you?' Simon stood open-mouthed. He hadn't actually. 'I thought not.' spat Matt. 

'Why do you care so much? She likes cunts not cocks remember.' 

'FUCK YOU' Matt grabbed his guitar and stormed out.

'You can be a real dick sometimes.' Andy glared at Simon then followed Matt outside.

'He has a point you know' Porridge put down his drumsticks and walked towards the door.

Simon sighed deflated 'Yeah I guess he does.' He followed Porridge outside.

Andy and Matt were sat on a bench outside the barn. Simon shuffled up to them sheepishly. 'I'm sorry for being a dick.'

'It's not me you need to apologise to.' Matt bit back. 'Stop treating Cassie like your personal slave. She deserves better than that.'

'You're right I know. I have taken her for granted. So do you all want Cass in the band then?' They all nodded. 'Okay, I'll give her a call.'

Simon walked up to the house to call Cassie. Andy turned to Matt 'You okay dude?'

'Yeah. Sorry for losing my shit.'

'No worries my man. Sometimes Simon needs to be taken down a peg or two.'

Porridge nodded in agreement 'Simon just gets caught up sometimes in what he's doing and kind of forgets about other people and their feelings. He doesn't do it on purpose. He's just a bit thoughtless.'  
After a few minutes Simon re-joined the group looking happy. 'Cass said she knows I'm a dick and she forgives me. She's also happy to stay in the band. While I was on the phone I got a message.' He paused bouncing slightly. 'One of the organisers from Sat night has friends in the LGBT group at North-West London University. He showed them clips of our show that he'd taken on his phone and........they want to book us!'

Matt and Andy shot up from the bench 'Really? When?' they asked.

'They have a slot next Friday night. So, can you all make it?' They all whipped out their phones and checked diaries. One by one they nodded. There would need to be some shift changes and favours owed but it was doable.

'How are we going to get all our gear there though?' Porridge asked. ‘My dad’s using his van for the whole of that weekend.’

'We'll have to hire a van. The money we make on the gig will just about cover the cost plus petrol.' Andy's mind was already whirring with plans. 'Oh and we can book family room in a really cheap hotel on the outskirts. Once were booked in we can let the others in through the fire exit. Me and my mates used to do it all the time when we went to London.'  
Everyone was buzzing with excitement the argument already forgotten. They were going to London.  
~~~~~  
The band practised harder than ever and the night of the gig rolled around quickly. Andy had managed to hire a minibus and because of his job Porridge had a license to drive it. They parked up at the back of the venue. Although they were not due on stage until 9pm they got there early to set up and the student union magazine wanted to interview them beforehand. As Matt and Simon were the more outgoing of the group they agreed to do the interview while the others set up. The student union office was located at the back of the venue looking out over campus. The walls were covered in posters of previous gigs. Stacks of old editions of the magazine were dotted around the room. They were warmly welcomed by the president of the LGBT+ club Jon Prado. A very enthusiastic Filipino who looked like he'd just stepped out of a catalogue. He had a quiff of jet black hair, designer glasses and a dazzling smile. After several enthusiastic handshakes he led them over to a sofa and chairs.

Interviewer: So, why did you choose My Chemical Romance as your cover band?

Simon: Well growing up I was very familiar with their music as my mum is a big fan. At first I refused to like them because y'know it's just not cool to like the same music as your parents. But eventually I gave in and embraced their music. What I love about their music is that is very diverse and a LOT of fun to play.

Matt: What I love is the whole ethos of the band. Their whole message about how it's okay to be different. They were way ahead of their time in regards to talking about mental health and making it acceptable to talk about things like suicide and depression.

Simon: Yeah, definitely. And they really stood out as a band that really respects women and support the LGBT+ community. To have a band that big talk about gender identity and homosexuality in their lyrics at that time was phenomenal.

Interviewer: So are you guys gay?

Simon: Umm I don't really like to put labels on things like homosexual, heterosexual, or whatever. I'm just...sexual.

Interviewer: Okay, what about you Matt?

Matt: Well I call myself a terrible Bisexual  
(laughs)

Matt: What I mean is I identify as bisexual but I'm really terrible at it. I find it really easy to chat girls up but I'm clueless when it comes to guys. I think my gaydar is broken because when I try to chat up guys they always turn out to be very straight. At least that's what they tell me.

Simon: What do you mean it's easy to chat up girls?

Matt: It is! You y'know just give them the 'Wanna fuck?' look, and if they give you the same look back you're in

Simon: What? That's not a thing!

Matt: Yes it is!

Simon: Okay show me this infamous look

Matt: Fine! But don't say I didn't warn you!

Matt then looks at Simon intently. It's something about the intensity of the look along with the pace of the breathing that stills everything and turns the air electric with tension. After a beat Simon breaks the tension.

Simon: Fuck! You have to teach me how to do that!

Interviewer: Me too! (Laughs) So I saw some clips of the show you did at South Down Uni. You guys had a lot of, shall we say, chemistry on stage.

Simon: (giggles) Yeah that's what we call stage gay. It wasn't planned or anything, we got caught up in the music and the moment and just went with it.

Interviewer: So can we expect to see some more sexiness tonight?

Simon: (Turns to Matt) Well we'll have to see what happens

Matt: Well last time I was dressed as a girl, but as a dude I'm still one sexy motherfucker

Interviewer: Yeah, what was that about?

Matt: (giggles): Well I lost a bet to our drummer Porridge. I seem to have a track record for accidently hurting myself or others when I play so he bet me I couldn't last a whole practice without injury.

Interviewer: I take it you lost then

Simon: (giggles) he lost within 5 minutes of setting foot in the practice room. He tripped over literally NOTHING and head-butted a desk

Interviewer: Well it certainly made for a memorable show. So what can we expect from tonight's show?

Simon: Lots of awesome music, lots of fun, and maybe a little bit of sexiness.  
~~~~~  
After the interview Matt and Simon made their way to the backstage area to join the others getting ready. This time they'd decided to wear the clothes they'd used for the photoshoot and Matt and Simon were going to try some revenge-era make-up. Maria couldn't make the show as she had a friends wedding she'd agreed to do make-up for but she had given Simon lots of pointers when she did his make-up. He decided to keep it simple: a white face, eyeliner, red around the eyes, and a few fake cuts/scars. The eyeliner was the trickiest part but he only stabbed himself in the eye once. He turned round to show the group. 

'That's cool man!' Matt nodded enthusiastically. 'Can you do mine?'

Simon sat opposite Matt and looked at his face intently. 'I think we should go with something similar to mine, but instead of the scars we should do the black crosses.'

'Yeah yeah! That sounds good!'

Simon picked up a sponge and started dabbing on the white paste. Matt started giggling. 'Stop laughing! It's scrunching your face up!' It felt pretty weird having someone breathe on his face that close.  
'Sorry dude. It tickles!'

Simon continued his tongue sticking out slightly in concentration. After all, this was the first time he'd done some else's make-up. 'Okay, I'm going to do the eyeliner now. You really need to hold really still for this. Look up at one point and hold it there.'

'I'm scared.'

'Shh. Stop talking! It makes your face move.' Simon was desperately trying not to laugh. He managed to do an okay job of the eyeliner and red shadow around the eyes. He flicked back to a photo on his phone then carefully drew the crosses over his eyes. 'There. Not too shabby for my first time!'

Matt jumped up to look in the mirror. 'Duuude! That's awesome!

Everyone was nearly ready. Cassie was next to the mirror straightening sections of her hair. Simon caught sight of her 'Cass! You're wearing glasses!'

'Yeah, I got them off E-bay. What do you think?' She turned round to face Simon. They were very similar to glasses that Mikey wore during the revenge era. Simon was impressed. Combined with the straightened hair Cass was a pretty passable Mikey. For once Simon was speechless but his expression said it all.

Now that they were all ready the photographer for the student magazine came to take some photos to go with the interview. They looked good. They felt good. They were ready.  
Show time!


	12. The four apostles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things hot up on stage at their next gig. More drunken shenanigans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In every friend group I've been involved in there has been a version of The Game. No-one knows where it came from or who invented it. This is an amalgamation of several very fun nights out.

The venue was on two levels: the stage was on the lower level with a large dancefloor; the upper level formed a balcony in a semi-circle above the dancefloor. The bars were dotted around the back of each level. As the lighting was low at the back of each level it was difficult to tell how many people there were. It felt like a lot. The nerves were starting to kick in despite a couple of free beers to take the edge off. They ended up having another beer and Simon was starting to feel kind of fuzzy by the time he stepped onto the stage.

'Good evening LONDON!' he yelled, probably a bit louder than he'd intended. He took a breath and ploughed on. 'We are My Chemical Fauxmance and we are here to give YOU a good time.' A few cheers and whistles greeted them. Simon counted them in for their first song. The first two songs were a bit shaky, but by the third song he'd relaxed a little and started to enjoy himself. The fourth pint he'd downed before the show started to take effect and his confidence grew. The next song was Na Na Na and the audience joined in enthusiastically. Simon jumped around the stage like a jack-in-box. At the end of the song he shouted 'Okay! Chicken Dance!' into the mic. He then shoved the mike into his mouth then pranced up and down the stage flapping his elbows like a chicken. The audience were definitely drunk enough to find it hilarious. He did a kind of moon walk back to centre stage. 'Good evening you sexy people! Who's ready to have some fun tonight?' Cheers and whistles abounded. 'This next song, is about sucking dick for cocaine.' The whoops and cheers got louder. By the time they got to the first chorus of Prison Matt was so into it he was sliding on his back across the stage while Simon got on his hands and knees and crawled towards the audience like tiger ready to pounce. Andy was spinning round thrashing his guitar and even Cassie was throwing her best rock shapes. It was chaos. Beautiful beautiful chaos. As the song got to the final Uh Uh Uh's Simon was still on all fours pretending to felate his microphone. The audience loved it.

After catching his breath and downing some water Simon turned back to the audience. 'So, that was pretty sexy huh? Well let me tell you something, you ain't seen nothin' yet.' He raised his hand then slowly licked from his wrist up his palm and all the way up his middle finger. He then slammed his hand to his crotch and groaned in a really filthy way. 'Is it me, or is it getting a little hot in here? Well it's about to get even hotter.' He nodded towards Andy and Porridge to start the intro to Destroya. The audience went crazy. Simon started to tease the audience 'Wait for it.......wait for it.....' they were putty in his hands. He turned his voice to a throaty whisper 'Wait for it.........check check, check check' he started the song . He got as far as the second line when he was vaguely aware of someone behind him. The next he knew Matt had grabbed him by the hair and tipped his head back exposing his neck which Matt then licked all the way up the side of his neck up to his jaw. It took an enormous amount of willpower not to loose his concentration and fudge the lyrics. Matt immediately jumped away and back to his spot laughing to himself. Simon turned and gave him a look as if to say 'Oh, it's like that is it? Game on.' Not missing a beat he strode over to Matt. He stood behind him and with one knee pushed into the back of matt's knee, and with one hand grabbed Matts hair. The motion of both together forced Matt onto his knees. Still holding Matts hair Simon span round to the front of Matt so his head was in line with Simon's crotch. He timed it perfectly with the first set of Destroya moans, and with each moan rocked Matts head towards his crotch. The wolf whistles and cheers were almost deafening. By the end of the song the audience were rabid and shouting 'Kiss Kiss Kiss'. Matt put his guitar down and strode towards Simon. Simon laughed and ran to the other side of the stage. Matt ran after him and started chasing him. For a short guy Matt was pretty quick on his feet and managed to catch Simon fairly easily. He blocked him against a wall then stepped forward into his space so there was no escape. He grabbed each side of his head kissed him hard. He walked back to his spot with a fist of triumph raised in the air. The atmosphere was electric and they managed to maintain that energy to the end of their set. It was a bloody good show.

~~~~~

Once they'd packed the gear up they headed to the union bar to celebrate a great show. The dancefloor had turned into a cheesy disco and after a few very cheap beers they all joined in with throwing shapes and singing along. Once the bar closed they gathered outside. Cassie joined them with a couple of girls. 'Si, I've found somewhere to crash so I'll meet you all back here in the morning.'

'Um what? Cass, you're not going off with some stranger in London in the middle of the night!'

'Um, yes I am! I am a fully grown adult.'

'But you don't even know them! You could be murdered or something.'

Cass rolled her eyes. 'It's fine! They're fine. Y'know lesbian network.' like that explained it all.

'The what now?'

'Y'know how like all lesbians are connected.' She started waving her hands around. 'Like all over the country.' She took a breath as this really wasn't coming out right. 'She pointed to one of the girls 'This is Laura. I met her sister Rae at a Pride party last year. Remember? After Pride Rae went out with Sarah B. So like we're all connected and shit.' She was swaying a bit which wasn't helping her argument. 'You're such a hypocrite Simon. If you'd pulled you would think nothing about going back to their place.'

Simon was about to say 'that's different' but wasn't drunk enough to say something that stupid. He sighed admitting defeat. 'Okay. Text me the address of where you're going to and when you get there.'

'Thank you Si.' Cassie flung her arms around Simon and mumbled something like 'I love you' in his ear.

'Jesus! How drunk are you?' he laughed. Cassie let go and walked in a fairly straight line to her new friends.

He turned back to the others who were taking turns sipping from a bottle of vodka that Matt had sneaked out of the bar. Right I think the nearest Tube station is.....that way?' He pointed off in a general direction. It's London. Wherever you stagger you'll come across a Tube station eventually. Andy was staggering a little more than the others and was using Porridge as support 'I was just explaining to Matty here about The Game' 'THE GAAAAME' chorused Porridge. Andy turned to Matt 'The rules are, on a night out you have to lie about everything. It can't be planned you have to make it up on the spot. The more ridiculous the better. Fake name, fake occupation, fake hometown EVERYTHING. We used to have a scoring system about how many people you'd fooled and how silly the lies were but it got too complicated so we just play for fun now.'

'But it's got to be believable!' enthused Porridge. 'Like one time, me and Si were stood outside the toilets demanding to inspect peoples socks for drugs. Like we were the drug police or something.'

Simon was laughing at the memory 'Yes, we were VERY drunk. I don't think anyone believed us but every single person let us inspect their socks!'

They turned a corner and saw the neon logo for the Tube ahead. As the vodka started to take effect walking became more difficult so they linked arms across their shoulders forming a human bridge. This worked fine until they got to the turnstile for the tube. They tried to go through sideways still linked up but got tangled and everyone fell on the floor. They lay there for a while laughing so hard they couldn't get back up again. 'Oh my god!' gasped Simon 'I can't believe we're too drunk to operate a turnstile!' Matt was the first who managed to get upright again and one by one helped the others up. They somehow managed to get through the turnstile and onto a train. They didn't have to wait long before the first stranger tried to make small talk. An elderly lady who looked a bit like the queen caught eye contact with Matt 'So, what you lads up to?' she asked.

'We've just come from a gig at North West Uni' he replied. 'We're students.'

'Oh, what are you studying?' she asked interested.

'I'm studying Home Economics.' he replied completely straight-faced. Porridge suppressed a giggle with a fake cough.

'Really? That sounds interesting.'

'Yeah, I bake a really good cake.' Porridge slunk into a corner with his fist in his mouth to suppress his giggles. Matt pointed to Simon 'Rupert here is studying interior design.'

'Oh how lovely.'

Matt pointed towards Andy 'Xavier here, sorry I've forgotten. What's your major again?'

Andy stepped forward 'It's paranormal psychology. You know like why do people believe in stuff like ghosts and the after life and stuff.'

Then Matt gestured towards Porridge who was looking rather like a tomato trying to suppress his laughter. 'Frerard over there is studying fashion.'

'You're all such clever boys aren't you! So what was this gig you went to?

Simon decided to step in 'It was our gig actually. We're a Christian rock group called The Four Apostles' a muffled snort came from Porridge.

'Oh how marvellous. Sing me a song! Go on!'

He looked around at the others who were barely holding it together. 'Sure! Okay everybody let's sing Kumbaya'

He stood like a conductor 'One two three four. Kumbaya my lord Kumbaya' he sang loudly. Andy and Matt joined in clapping along. Simon walked up and down the train carriage encouraging people to join in. Being London most people ignored him but a few drunk students joined in. The little old lady looked delighted and was clapping along too. After two versus Simon didn't know any more words so he started to make them up. 'Someone's eating my lord Kumbaya. Someone's sewing my lord Kumbaya. Someone's dancing my lord Kumbaya.' Thankfully the next stop the lady got off waving good bye 'Good luck with your studies boys.'

They all collapsed haphazardly into seats. Porridge now with tears streaming down his face. 'Frerard!' he gasped holding his sides. They didn't stop laughing even when they got to their stop and stumbled off the train. Porridge had calmed down enough to speak in coherent sentences again. 'You guys are the best. I'm serious. I love you guys. Matt I've only known you a few months but I love you too you know. You're a top guy. A lot of respect for you man. Si...Si and Andy here I've known since I was 4 years old. They're arseholes but I love them.' 'We love you too' they all chorused.

Once they were near the hotel they needed a plan. Andy as always the organiser even when completely shit-faced got them organised. 'Porridge is waaaay too drunk to go through reception so I'll walk him round to the fire exit. Simon and Matt you pretend to be a couple and book in. Then once you're through, open the fire escape and let us in.'

'Okay honey' grinned Simon wrapping his arm around Matt 'Let's go and book into our honeymoon suite.'

The receptionist looked young and was probably a student. He barely looked up to hand them over the key card and went straight back to watching something on his tablet. They staggered down the corridor to find their room. Thankfully it was on the bottom floor. They still had their arms around each other and as they pushed the door open they fell through the doorway onto the floor. They lay giggling for a while on the floor arms and legs tangled together. 'I know I'm irresistible' Matt tried to keep a serious face 'But you don't have to throw yourself at me Simon.'

'Nu-ah' Simon shook his head 'You were the one chasing me round the stage tonight. YOU chased me you horn-dog'

Matt put his fingers on Simon's mouth 'Shh. Don't cheapen this.' They both cracked up again. Matt planted a small kiss on Simon's nose then jumped up. He offered his hand to help pull Simon up. The fire exit was at the end of the corridor and Andy and Porridge had pressed their faces against the glass pulling faces. Matt opened the fire exit door but the ran back to the room shouting 'Shotgun!' a split second later Simon also shouted 'Shotgun' and dashed into the room after him. Behind them Andy was shouting 'That doesn't count! It only counts in cars.'

'Does too!' shouted Simon as him and Matt jumped onto the double bed. 'It's the floor for you Andy.’

Andy and Porridge shuffled about making make-shift beds on the floor. Once they were all settled Matt hit the lights. ‘G’night Mary-lou’ he announced in the style of the Waltons.

‘G’night John-boy’

‘G’night Mary-Ellen’

‘G’night all’


	13. Morning after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hang-overs are not sexy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm proud of myself for getting this far! I've tried a few times to write stories before but never made it past the first few chapters, let alone had the guts to publish anything. So if you're reading this THANK YOU!!!!!!   
> Ps I am a kudos and comments slut. Gimmie gimmie gimmie ;-)

Simon awoke and kept his eyes closed as the room was too bright even before he'd opened his eyes. His stomach was rolling like a washing machine, an invisible man was hitting his head with an iron bar, and his throat felt like he'd eaten a bag of gravel. It took him a few seconds to realise that yet again he was spooning Matt and his arm was curled around his waist. Thankfully no-one else was awake yet. He slowly pulled his arm back careful not to wake Matt. He rolled onto his back and that's when he realised he was only wearing boxer shorts. When did that happen?!!!???? His stomach rolled again. Oh shit. He had no choice then but to open his eyes and head toward the bathroom. The light was blinding but the primeval urge to get to the bathroom before he hurled took over and propelled him across the room. Unfortunately his ability to balance and coordinate was somewhat hampered by the remnants of alcohol still coursing through his veins, and he tripped over a sleeping Andy and went flying towards the floor. He had a millisecond to grab the nearest item which happened to be a rucksack, before his entire stomach contents expelled from his mouth. 

'Ew, that is NOT how I wanted to wake up' protested Andy. 'Wait! That's my rucksack!'

'Sorry' muttered Simon. 'It was either that or I puke all over you.'

'Morning Twat-heads!' Porridge greeted them cheerfully from the other side of the room.

'Simon just puked in my rucksack the fucking animal!'

Simon stopped puking long enough to crawl to the bathroom and lie on the soothingly cold tiles next to the toilet.

A few minutes later he felt a hand on his shoulder 'Hey dude. How're doing?'

'Hey Matt. I think I'm actually dead. Tell my mum and Cass that I love them. It was nice knowing you.'

'Don't be a drama queen.' Matt rolled his eyes. 'Um, I need you to move. I kind of really need to piss right now and I'm sure the others do too.'

'I can't move. It's okay. I won't look.'

Matt chuckled 'Yeah but it's kind of off-putting having your face at my feet when I'm trying to have a slash. Come on, I'll help you crawl over the bath. You can lean over that.'

Simon groaned but slowly started to crawl over to the bath. He hung over the side just in time to start heaving again.

'See! Good job I moved you or you would've puked all over my dick and no-one wants that!'

Matt finished his business and flushed then Andy rushed in after almost hopping with the need to piss. Finally Porridge came to take his turn in the bathroom. 'Um Simon. You know what I'm like after a night on the beers.' Simon knew alright. Porridge's morning-after beer shits were infamous. 'Sorry Si but I really have to go.'

'Fuck. I really can't move.' He sighed accepting his fate. 'Go ahead.'

Porridge laid a hand on his shoulder 'I really am sorry Si. Try breathing through your mouth instead of your nose. It'll help with the smell.'

Yup it didn't get any worse than this. Simon had just enough time to mutter 'Fuck my actual life' before the smell Porridge was creating made him start puking again.

~~~~~

Once Simon stopped puking and managed to keep some water down they checked out and headed back to the campus stopping briefly on the way to stock up on painkillers, water, and high carb snacks. Cass was already waiting for them when they got there. 'Jesus Si you look like death!'

'Shh not so loud!' he whispered. 'It's not fair! Why am I the only one that's hanging out my arse!'

It was true. Matt, Andy and Cass had various forms of headaches but were otherwise okay, and Porridge is one of those annoying people that never gets hung over. They bundled into the van. Simon took the back seat and curled up under his coat. They stopped at the service station once they got onto the motorway. By that point Simon could just about face a coffee which made him start to feel a bit human again. Once they were back on the road he even sat up a little and was about to ask Cass about her night when his phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket. 'Oh Hi Andy! Oh Shiiiit sorry man!' he hung up and looked at the others as the penny dropped. They'd left Andy at the service station. Thankfully there was a junction ahead where they could loop back so the detour only took them 5 miles. They pulled up and opened the door.

'First you puke in my rucksack then you leave me behind at the services. Some friends you are!'

A round of 'Sorry Andy' went round the group before they started to giggle. 'Arseholes' he huffed climbing into the van. He was only half-serious though as Andy rarely got upset about anything. He was a pretty chill guy.

'I know what will cheer you up!' Simon leaned forward eagerly 'Another round of Kumbaya!'

~~~~~~

The guys filled Cassie in on their adventures from the night before. 'Damn I almost wish I'd been there. Well, not for the puking obviously.' She turned to Matt with a grin 'So you have a hidden talent for cake baking?'

Matt giggled 'Nah, I'm hopeless in the kitchen. Seriously! I could burn a salad.'

'Oh yeah! How was your night with Laura the Lezza?' Simon cocked an eyebrow at Cassie knowing he'd get a rise out of her.

He immediately regretted it when Cassie flicked his ear with deadly accuracy. 'It was great. How was your night with your boyfriend?' she nodded towards Matt 'I'm betting you were the big spoon again.'

'What?' Simon jumped.

'Yeah he was.' Porridge's voice came from the front of the van. 'I got up in the middle of the night and they were tucked up nice and cosy.'

'Aw that's so sweet!' mocked Andy.

'Fuck off. You're just jealous that we got to sleep in a nice comfy bed.' Simon snapped back.

'Methinks he doth protest too much.' Porridge ribbed.

'Fuck off Porridge. If anything, YOU were the one dealing out man-love last night.'

'Yeah, Porridge was in love with everyone last night' grinned Andy. 'But he didn't end up half naked in bed with anyone.'

'Just for the record I was fully clothed' Matt clarified.

Simon was starting to look a little embarrassed. 'Yeah. Um sorry Matt' he mumbled looking into his lap 'I have no recollection of stripping off. I assume I got hot at some point and was too drunk to realise where I was. Sorry.'

'Don't sweat it man. I can't help being irresistible. It's both a blessing and a curse.' Matt joked.

'And Simon can't help being a dirty horndog.' Chimed Porridge. 'What did you say in that interview again? Oh yeah ''I'm just sexual''

Matt snorted 'That was such as cop-out!'

'I just want to keep an air of mystery.' Simon protested.

'Yeah the mystery is how you convince anyone to sleep with you.' snorted Cassie.

'Shut up' muttered Simon'

~~~~~

It was early afternoon by the time Simon and Cassie got home. Although the pounding in his headed had eased his body was craving sleep like he hadn't slept in a week. They pushed to the door open and lugged in their bags. Their mum was at work so the house was blessedly quiet.

Cassie dropped her bags on the sofa and headed to the kitchen. 'Tea?' she asked.

'Yes please Cass. You are a lifesaver.'

'I know. I'm too good for you.'

Cassie bustled with the kettle and soon made two mugs of tea. She even found some Jaffa cakes in the cupboard to go with them. She set them down on the kitchen table and settled into a chair opposite Simon. 

'So,' she started tentatively. 'What's going on with you and Matt?'

'What? Nothing!' spluttered Simon.

'Hmm' Cassie started counting off on her fingers 'One you pretty much dry-humped him on stage; two whenever you're drunk you end up spooning; three you effectively admitted you're not 100% straight.'

Simon sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. 'I don't know what I am Cass and that's the truth. I know I like girls, but when I'm drunk it's like my dick takes over. Part of me thinks it's because it's just been so long that maybe anyone vaguely attractive of any gender gets my dick interested. A blow-job is a blow-job right? I dunno. Sophie did such a number on me I'm nowhere near ready to date anyone again let alone work out my orientation.'

'That's okay Si. You don't have to have it all figured out. But you have to move on from Sophie at some point.'

'I know I know. Part of it is also Matt is a good friend and I really don't want to mess that up. I'm not going to risk what we have for the sake of a quick fuck. What we've got going on with the band is special. We really have a chance of making it. I can feel it. I've never been so passionate about something like this before. I don't want to screw it up.'

'I know. I think we've got something special too.'

~~~~~

Little did they know that the road their band was taking was about to change dramatically.


	14. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon has exciting news. The band get a van. Cassie is awesome!

Monday band practice everyone arrived at 6 as usual except Simon. So they just hung out chatting about the weekend's gig and practiced a few riffs. It was nearly half past six when Simon finally stepped through the door. He was pale and shaking but also grinning. It was kind of unnerving like the Joker in Batman. The room fell silent in anticipation.

'I just got off the phone to a promotor. He works for Woodpecker Productions. He was at the gig on Saturday. He really liked our set. I mean REALLY liked it. He wants us to join a tour with other cover bands he manages.' He paused to let the idea sink in. 'He wants us to be one of the warm-up bands for a Green Day tribute act. It's a three month tour across the UK. It starts next month. I said I would give him an answer by tomorrow.'

A silence sat heavy in the air. You could almost hear the gears ticking in their brains. Andy broke the silence as his brain went into hyperdrive. 'Three months. Wow. Okay we'd have to quit our jobs or like take a sabbatical or something. We would need a van too. Would we need like insurance or something? and we'd need a contract. We would need like a bank account for the band. What about accommodation? or maybe we could sleep in the van. In which case I would need to dig out my sleeping bag. If I'm not here then I'd need mum to water the plants and maybe I should cancel Netflix.'

His monologue was broken by everyone else cracking up laughing. 'We've been asked to join a tour, a real rock and roll tour for THREE months and you're worried about your plants!' Simon screeched doubled-up laughing. 

The atmosphere sizzled with excitement. Frantic phone calls and planning to work out whether they could really do this. Could they really abandon their lives and just like that take off across the UK? It sounded crazy. Maybe it was crazy but every one of them would do whatever it took to make this happen. 

~~~~~

Wednesday practice came round slowly. Now they had something so exciting on the horizon the daily mundane grind of work seemed even more tortuous. A mixture of disbelief that this was really happening, and eager energy infused the practice room. Cassie in particular was very animated and almost bouncing on the balls of her feet. Once everyone had arrived she clapped loudly to get their attention. 'I have something to show you.' she announced barely contained her glee. 'Follow me.' Simon and Matt shared a glance both puzzled. Matt just shrugged. They filed outside following Cassie up the garden, past the house and out to the roadside. She stopped beside a camper van then waved her hands like a cheesy magician 'Ta Daaaa!' Simon spluttered out 'What?' his eyes wide. Cass removed a set of keys from her pocket and waved them at Simon.

Simon felt like he'd taken stupid pills as his brain tried to catch up. 'Wait....what?' Cass nodded at him. 'But...what? how? how did you?' he couldn't even get a sentence out. Then the cogs slowly dropped into place and his eyes widened even more 'Your motorbike!'

'Yep I traded it!'

'But... but you LOVE that motorbike!' Cassie just shrugged. 'No! NO! you can't Cass!'

'Too late. I already did.'

Simon was overwhelmed. It was too much to take in. Then he grabbed Cassie into a bear hug 'I fucking love you!' Then the others joined in with a big bear hug squeezing Cassie hard. 

'Ew get off! I can't even breathe!' Cassie huffed but still smiling.

The van was 10 years old but in reasonable condition. They would need to take out some of the fixtures to fit all their kit in but other than that it was perfect for what they needed. 'The only thing I don't like is the colour' Simon decided. 

Andy widened his eyes in mock amazement 'What's wrong with the colour? Stale urine yellow is so IN this season.' 

Matt sniggered 'Yeah I'm with Simon on this one. I'm way too cool to be driving around in a piss-mobile.'

'Piss on wheels!' Porridge joined in.

'Okay you win' Andy nodded. 'I think my dad has some old car paints in the garage I'm sure he won't mind us using. We could customise it.'

'Yeah, we could add our logo and stuff. So who's free over the weekend? Apart from practice of course.' Matt and Andy nodded.

'Sorry I've got another family birthday thing.' Porridge looked apologetic.

'Well, I would. But I don't want to.' Cassie shrugged.

'Fair enough.' Simon laughed. 'You don't get to moan about the result then.'

'Simon do NOT draw a massive dick on our van!' Cassie jabbed her finger at his chest.

'Aw spoilsport. What about a little one, like down in the corner..'

'If you do I will shave off your eyebrows while you sleep.'

Simon instinctively covered his eyebrows with his hands 'Noooo! not my beautiful eyebrows!'

'You have been warned.'

~~~~~

'Saturday paint party!' Simon sang out practically skipping into Andy's dad's garage. Andy was already at work taping up the windows of the van to protect them from the paint. 'I'm jealous. You have a proper like workman's boiler suit on. All I've got are my tragically tasteless old clothes.' The jeans he was wearing were more holes than cloth. And the T-shirt was well....

'Moshi monsters!' Matt appeared behind him laughing 'How old you ? 10?'

'Fuck off.' Simon grumbled. 'I have an aunt who doesn't realise I've grown up. She sent me this last Christmas. My mum made we wear it all Christmas day and took about a hundred photos.'

'Yeah I know what you mean.' Nodded Andy in agreement. ' I have a great uncle who asks about my girlfriend Sarah who was a kid in my class I liked when I was about 8 literally EVERY time I see him.'

'Well I'm modelling this year's sought-after ensemble of jeans that are so worn through the knees I've made them into shorts, and a Metallica T-shirt that I ruined with blood and Vimto.' Matt did a pretend cat-walk down the garage.

'Ruined with Blood and Vimto. That would make an awesome album title ' giggled Andy.

Once they'd covered and masked off all the areas that they needed to protect then came the work. All the old paint had to be sanded down. Although they had electric sanders it was still hard work moving the machine back and forth. After an hour they were covered in a fine dirty yellow powder and sweating from every pore. Matt stood back wiping drips of sweat from his forehead 'Fuck it. I'm far too hot.' he said pulling off his T-shirt and throwing it in a corner.

'Good idea.' Simon agreed pulling up his T-shirt also then using it to wipe his brow.

'Beer?' Andy suggested moving towards the fridge in the corner of the garage.

'Hell yes!' nodded Simon enthusiastically.

They sat outside on the grass enjoying their cold beers and discussing what colours they wanted. 'I really like the idea of having a white base then on top of that graffiti-style writing alongside our logo.' suggested Simon.

'Aw I wanted it all black like the A-team.' Andy pouted.

'Yeah but we don't have enough black paint for that.' Matt pointed out. 'I like the idea of a white background with black and red writing. Like the Black Parade cover art.'

'Yeah yeah! We could have the back doors covered with a monochrome union Jack and our logo in the middle. Then like the rest of the van covered in My Chem iconography. Like that little skeleton dude from Black Parade, and like the demolition lovers, and the new witchy symbols form the return show' Simon was waving his hands around bringing his ideas to life.

'Little skeleton dude' repeated Matt snort-laughing.

'She's going to look beautiful' Simon gushed.

'She?' Matt cocked an eyebrow.

'Yes!' Simon nodded emphatically. 'The van is a she and her name is Prinsess Consuella Banana-hammock.'

'Did you...did you just make a Friends reference?' spluttered Matt

'What's sadder?' smirked Simon 'The fact I made a Friends reference, or the fact you knew it was a friends reference?'

'Good point.'

Andy downed the last of his drink and stood up 'Come on then. Back to work. I want to get her stripped and primed by the end of this evening.' Simon and Matt sniggered. 'Oh my god! Get your minds out the gutter for five minutes and get back to work!'


	15. Happy birthday Mr President

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt's birthday gets very messy. Smut warning!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Tequila. it makes me happy'- Terrorvision

The first stop on their tour was another student union. This time they were the first act on stage, to be followed by Fall In Boy, and the headliner Green Daze. As the first act the crowd was mainly queued at the bar lining up drinks for the evening. It didn't deter them and they gave 100% to their performance as always. By the third song more people had joined the dancefloor in front of the stage. Then by half time the floor had turned into an impromptu mosh pit.

The noise in the room dropped down as Simon stepped up to the mic. 'Tonight is a rather special night.' A few whoops came from the crowd. 'Now you may not know, but it is a rather special person's birthday.' Cheers and whoops came from the darkness before him. He started walking slowly over to Matt. 'Our very own Frank Iero is 21 tonight.' More cheers and a wolf whistle or two. 'So I'm going to sing him a little song. I'm not going to get you all to sing happy birthday because that is cheesy as shit.' He'd reached where Matt was standing looking bemused. 'Tonight I'm going to channel my inner Marilyn Monroe just for you.' The cheers and hollers reached fever pitch. 'Happy birthday to you' Simon sang slow and sultry tracing a finger down Matts chest. 'Happy birthday toooo you.' He rested his fingers on Matts waistband. 'Happy birthday Mr President' he yanked Matt by the waistband into him and started rubbing his crotch against Matts. 'Happy birthday to youuuuu.' In a swift move he grabbed the back of Matts head, hair tangled tight in his fingers and pulled him into a messy dirty kiss. He licked his lips as he sauntered back to centre stage. He couldn't think of a time when he felt more alive.

The rest of the set was perfection and they all came off stage buzzing with adrenaline and grinning from ear to ear. They enjoyed a few beers in the back room before deciding to join the rest of the sweaty bodies on the dancefloor. They were packed shoulder to shoulder bouncing to the baseline of popular Fall Out Boy songs. Simon pulled Matt in front of him and shouted in his ear 'So you can see better.' He kept his hands on Matts shoulders so they wouldn't be dragged apart. He had to admit it was rather nice being pressed chest to back with Matt. Once the set had finished they pushed themselves through the crowd to the back room. Andy was chatting to the Fall In Boy lead singer and Cassie and Porridge were sat next to a table covered in beer and shots. 'Shots?' asked Simon eyebrow arched at Cassie.

'Happy birthday Matt!' sang Cassie handing out shots.

'One Tequila , two tequila, three tequila, floor.' chimed Porridge.

'Oh god not Tequila' groaned Simon covering his face.

'Come on Si! It's my birthday. That means you have to do what I say.'

Simon groaned and knocked back the shot grimacing at the aftertaste.

'You forgot the salt and lime!' Cassie scolded handing out another round of shots.

'How does it go again?' asked Matt 'Salt, lime then shot? or lime, salt then shot?

'No no no' interrupted Porridge 'First you lick your hand' they all followed dutifully 'then you add the salt' he poured a line of salt on the back of his hand and passed the canister for the rest to copy 'then you lick the salt, down the tequila then bite the lime. Ready?' they all nodded. 'Okay go!' the shots went down followed by comical groans and facial contortions.

'That is disgusting' complained Simon swallowing some beer to dilute the taste.

'Trust me' said Porridge 'By the fourth or fifth shot you'll barely notice the taste.'

Andy made his way over to the table with the members of Fall In Boy. After introductions they were invited to join them in shots. Porridge was right, by the fifth shot the taste wasn't so bad. Mainly due to the fact no-one could keep track whether they were doing salt, lime or Tequila. At one point Simon was pretty sure he had four bites of lime. The salt was being licked from arms, elbows, a knee. Matt licked salt off the back of his hand only to realise he hadn't actually put the salt on and was just merrily licking his hand. He cracked up into giggles and was laughing so hard he couldn't explain what was so funny. By the time he could speak again he couldn't remember what set him off either. They were several beers down and countless more shots when they heard the music start back up again. Simon grabbed Matt's hand 'Come on birthday boy! Time to get hot and sweaty again!' They staggered through the door back into the crowd. He had to admit the band were really good. He could see why they were headlining. As before he pulled Matt in front but this time he kept an arm around Matts chest holding him in place. At some point he became vaguely aware of a signal from his bladder to his brain. The pressure of the crowd pushing Matt against him didn't help. 'I need to piss' he shouted in Matt's ear. He had no idea if Matt could hear him. He pulled his arm back from Matt and started pushing out of the crowd. He looked around dazed trying to work out where the toilets were. Matt appeared at his side and pulled him back towards the backstage area. 'There's toilets backstage' he shouted in Simon's ear. They staggered through the backstage tripping over boxes, bags and coats. Sure enough, at the far end was a dressing room with toilets adjacent. By the time they got into the toilets Simon was bursting. He steadied himself against the wall and started to unzip his fly. 'Shit!' he exclaimed looking down 'that's not going to work.' He staggered into the stall and sat down. 'Down!' he muttered 'Down boy!' Matt started giggling. 'Get down boy' Simon's dick was not following instructions. After a few muttered curse words Simon managed to direct his dick into the toilet bowl and finally piss. He sighed loudly with relief. Matt was giggling even louder.

Simon staggered out of the stall. 'I don't know what you're laughing. It's all your fault'

'How is it my fault?'

'You were being all sweaty and rubby and stuff' he shook an accusatory finger at Matt. Matt grabbed his finger, put it in his mouth and sucked hard. 'See! You're doing it again! Being all sexy and hot and stuff and....' he trailed off staring at Matts lips. His head was fuzzy, his pulse pounding in his ears and all he could hear was their hot breaths panting. He grabbed Matt's waist and their lips locked. It was wet and dirty with hands desperately grabbing everywhere. Still kissing they staggered out of the toilet and they tripped and fell onto the dressing room floor. Thankfully it was carpeted so it didn't hurt too much. They lay panting on the floor. Matt rolled to hover over Simon 'You taste like lime' he giggled. Simon giggled and scrunched his nose. 'So do you.' Matt bent down and they started kissing again his hand sliding down to Simon's hip pulling Simon towards him. Simon groaned and rubbed his crotch against Matt's. His belt was still undone from going to the toilet so Matt easily slipped his hand under the waistband of his jeans and rubbed his hips. The kissing became more frantic as Simon yanked Matts belt undone then one by one freed each button on his fly. He slipped his hand through the slit of the boxers and grabbed Matts erection. Matt threw his head back and gasped. He slowly moved his own hand around Simon's hip to copy the action and wrap his hand around Simon's throbbing dick. Simon had a vague thought cross his brain that this really wasn't going to last long.

He removed his hand from Matts dick and licked his palm messily before wrapping his wet hand back around Matt's cock. Matt shuddered at the touch. He removed his own hand and held it in front of Simon's face to lick. Simon licked from Matt's hand palm to fingertip just as he had on stage then Matt's hand wondered back down again. They started rubbing each other trying to match their pace. Both muttering curse words, whimpers and moans. They quickly got to the point of no return and frantically kissed through the last few hard pumps as they came in hot bursts over each others hands. They sighed and flopped onto their backs staring vacantly at the ceiling. After a while their breathing returned to normal.

'Happy birthday Mr President' breathed Simon.

'I'll drink to that!' Matt enthused. Matt crawled back into the toilet to grab some hand towels. They cleaned up and straightened them selves out as best as they could then they tried to stand to make their way back to the bar but both fell onto their backsides. 'Oops!' giggled Matt. Tequila mixed with post-orgasm head rush rendered them incapable of standing.

'Right!' said Simon rolling over onto his hands and knees 'Forward crawl!' he set off towards the back stage room crawling on his hands and knees closely followed by Matt.

It felt like an eternity to get back to the room. Mainly because they kept losing their balance and crashing into random things. Simon spotted his sister across the room talking to the drummer from Green Daze. 'Cassieeeeeeeeee' he yelled getting her attention. 'I wuv youuuuuuu'

'Jesus Christ' muttered Cassie rolling her eyes.

'Come here Cass. I want to lick your face.'

Cassie rushed over clearly not impressed. 'Jesus Simon! Did you have to get soccer mom wasted?'

Simon giggled 'I wuv you Cassieeeeeeee' and tried to stroke her face.

'Don't be mad Cass. It's my birthday!' Matt had given up crawling and was lying on his back doing a turtle impression waving his legs in the air.

'God, I'd forgotten how stupid you get on Tequila.' Cass tutted to herself.

'Tequila! I love Tequila! Let's have more Tequila!' Simon enthused waving his hands around.

'More Tequila!' chorused Matt.

'Tequila!' came a booming voice from the far corner.

Simon's face lit up 'Porridge! Look Matt it's Porridge!' Porridge was grinning at them waving a bottle of Tequila. He shakily got to his feet and tugged Matt to join him. They staggered over to the table to join Porridge. Simon pretty much fell in his lap. He gazed up at Porridge 'I fucking love you man' he said stroking his face. 

Porridge laughed 'I love you too Si.'

Simon turned to Matt 'I do. I honestly do. I've know this fucker literally my whole life. Since the age of four. He's a good man.'

Matt looked at Simon and Porridge as the gears slowly turned in his brain 'Wait!' his eyes widened 'If you've known Porridge since you were four then you must know what his real name is!' he couldn't believe he hadn't worked it out sooner.

Simon and Porridge cracked up laughing. Porridge wiped tears of laughter and looked at Matt 'Okay okay I'll tell you.'


	16. The morning after the night before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fall out from the night before and things are awkward with a capital A.

'Wakey wakey rise and shine' an inhumanly cheerful Porridge was waving coffee under Simon's nose. Simon just groaned in response. Slowly his senses came back to him. He appeared to be sleeping on a carpet of some sort. He was fully clothed thank God. He wasn't spooning anyone, yay! Bit by bit random body parts woke up and told him that they really really hurt. 'Come on sleepy head to wake up'

'I hate you' grumbled Simon.

'No you don't. In fact you told me several times how much you love me last night.' Porridge smirked.

Simon dragged himself to sitting his head spinning. 'I think I'm still drunk.' Porridge passed him the coffee and he took a grateful sip.

'I've been instructed to get that down you then drag you to the canteen where everyone else is.'

Simon took another sip and looked around. He realised he was still in the back stage room of the venue. 'We slept here?'

'Yeah, the bar manager was a pretty cool dude and let us all crash here.'

Simon nodded 'Cool.' He gingerly lifted himself off the floor. 'Okay lead the way.'

He walked into the canteen, the smell of eggs and bacon making him feel nauseous. A round of whoops and cheers greeted him as he approached the table. The members of Fall In Boy and Green Daze were also there tucking into a hot breakfast. He slumped down in a chair at the end of the long table. 'How are you feeling Si?' asked Cassie with a glint in her eye 'A bit fragile?'

'I think I'm still drunk' he mumbled leaning down and resting his head on the table.

'You were wankered mate' laughed the lead singer from Green Daze. Steve? or was it Rich? he couldn't remember.

'You kept trying to lick my face' Cassie smirked.

'You challenged me to an arm wrestle and fell off your chair trying' added the drummer from Fall In Boy.

'You kept stroking my hair and telling me you used to have a poster of Billie Joe Armstrong on your wall that you kissed goodnight every night.' the lead singer of Green Daze joined in.

'Oh my God kill me now' groaned Simon.

'Every time I tried to talk to you you sang ''this ain't a scene it's a god-damned arse face'' laughed the lead singer of Fall in boy.

'Noooooo' whimpered Simon.

Porridge starting chuckling as he remembered 'Do you remember trying to tackle Andy to the ground so we could do shots out of his belly button?'

'No! I remember there being lots of Tequila and way too much lime. I remember going out to watch Green Daze and then it's all kind of a blur.'

'At least you didn't throw up in my rucksack this time!' Andy smiled. 'Although you did get everyone to sing ''Someone's wanking my lord, Kumbaya.'

Matt was being uncharacteristically quiet. 'How ya doing there champ?' asked Porridge. 'Did you have a good birthday?'

Matt groaned 'Tequila is not my friend. It tastes the same coming back up as it did going down.'

'Aww' Porridge sympathised 'At least you didn't embarrass yourself as much as Simon. Do you remember much of last night?'

'I remember most of it I think.' His face scrunched up in concentration. 'Wait! wait! I remember you told me your real name!' Porridge nodded. 'But...' Matt trailed off 'Dammit I've forgotten. tell me again.'

Porridge shook his head laughing 'Nope. I already told you once. It's not my fault you've forgotten it.'

'Pleeeease!' begged Matt.

'Nope. It clearly wasn't important enough for you to remember.'

'You suck' Matt groaned putting his head back on the table.

'Now I know all this is new to you guys, but let me share some words of wisdom with you boys.' the singer of Green Daze looked intently at Matt and Simon. 'Now I know it was a birthday last night, so a special occasion, but I would really advise you not too party like that on tour. Now, I'm not saying don't drink, just pace yourself. Our schedule is pretty full-on, and if you try to party like that every night you will quickly burn out. Trust me, the last thing you want to do when you're hanging out your arse is put on a show.' Around the table everyone was nodding and murmuring in agreement. 'Learn from our mistakes. Look after yourselves. You'll be travelling a LOT. Eating what you can when you can. Sleeping in a different place every night messes up any kind of sleep schedule. That shit takes it's toll you know.'

The lead from Fall In Boy joined in 'I take a rucksack of cereal bars, bottles of water and multivitamins everywhere. I also take my own pillow everywhere. It helps me sleep. Having a comfy pillow that smells like home. Oh and ear plugs are essential. Joe snores like elephant with a head cold.' He sniggered looking at his drummer.

'I do not!' protested Joe.

'Yeah you do.' the drummer from Green Daze agreed. 'I remember when we were at Fake Fest two or three years ago, we were sleeping in our van and we could hear you snoring in your van, even though you were about 8 vans away from us.' a wave of sniggers went round the table.

Simon raised his head and looked round the table grinning. He was really starting to like these guys. He couldn't wait to see what the next three months would bring.

~~~~~

After they'd eaten and packed up the van Simon sat on a bench soaking up a few feeble rays of sunshine. Cassie walked over and joined him. 'So what's going on with you and Matt?' she jumped straight in.

'What?' spluttered Simon.

'Well, you've been avoiding him all morning, and you claim you don't remember much of last night when I know for a fact you always remember a night out no matter how wasted you get. Oh, and there's the fact you have cum stains on the bottom of your shirt. I may be a lesbian Simon but I know what that is.' she nodded at his shirt with a look of distaste.

'Shit' Simon muttered and tried to scratch off the dried cum.

'Look I'm not asking for details, I just don't want you to be an arsehole to Matt'

'I'm not!' he protested, but when he thought about it he was actually, maybe a little bit. He sighed and rubbed his face. 'Yes, something happened.' he admitted. 'but I don't know what to do.'

'Well pretending it didn't isn't going to work'

'Yeah. You're right. It's just....I don't want to give him the wrong idea. I'm not ready for a relationship, and I'm not even sure if I like men y'know, in that way. And I really like Matt, as a friend. I don't want to do anything to fuck that up and I don't want to mess up the dynamics of the band.'

'Then just talk to him. He'll understand, I'm sure. He's probably having some of the same thoughts. Just talk to him.'

'Okay' he nodded. Cassie got up and walked up to the van. Simon saw her talk briefly to Matt then Matt headed over to the bench.

'Hi' he said looking a little nervous. Simon nodded to the bench and Matt sat next to him. They sat for a moment in silence. Each wondering how to start.

'Um about last night,' Simon looked into his lap picking at a jagged nail. 'That was pretty wild.' he awkwardly chuckled. 'Look, I'm just not looking for a relationship right now. I really like you as a friend and I don't want to ruin that.'

'So you do remember.' Matt nodded 'Don't worry Simon. One drunken handy doesn't mean I'm expecting a marriage proposal.' he quipped rolling his eyes. 'Look I can see you're feeling super awkward about it so let's just forget about it okay. I don't want things to be weird between us. You're one of my best friends.'

Simon looked up relieved. 'You're one of my best friends too' he smiled. The tension eased away like ripples on a pond. They looked at each other and giggled. Matt grabbed Simon into a fierce bear-hug. 'Come, on' he said pulling away and standing up 'Let's get the fuck out of Dodge.'

~~~~~

From then on the days started to merge into one. They all took heed of the advice given by the other bands and limited themselves to one or two beers, not only to not make fools of themselves but also Andy was keeping a tight rein on their finances. They were just about getting by but no-one was complaining, well not that much, as they were all enjoying being able to play live music. Show by show they slowly started to see the crowds getting bigger until they matched the headliner. Word was spreading by social media and word of mouth that 'My Chemical Fauxmance' were more than just a warm-up band. Maria kept their website up-to-date with frequent photos and clips from shows. Simon made a mental note to thank her when they got home. They couldn't pay her or anything but maybe a cake? or chocolate? girls like chocolate right?

On stage, Matt and Simon continued their antics, leaning on each other, rubbing against each other, whipping the crows into a frenzy. Off stage, things were more or less back to how they were but Simon was clearly being careful not to cross some kind of invisible line. It wasn't like he was walking on egg shells but he was more careful of his words and actions around Matt as if he didn't want to give Matt the wrong idea. It had been three weeks since his birthday and Matt was more confused than ever. It was clear Simon didn't want to talk about it. Matt decided it was time to give Simon a push so that's exactly what he would do at their next show.


	17. Scotland the Brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt successfully makes Simon jealous. Simon is a bit of a dick and then manages to embarrass himself. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last part of this chapter was inspired by a conversation with an ex-boyfriend of how to get rid of an unwanted boner. His answer was 'Noah's ark' which to this day still baffles me.

The venue had a green room off to the side of the stage where the band were getting ready. The door opened and a tall muscular man stood on the threshold. He was ridiculously attractive. His golden hair flowing and glossy like a goddam shampoo commercial. He was dressed simply in tight blue jeans and a plain white Tee. 'Wee cunty-balls!' he shouted across the room in a thick Glaswegian accent. Seriously, this guy could be a poster boy advertising Scotland. At his voice Matt spun around and when he saw who it was literally squealed and ran across the room. 'Braveheart!' he beamed jumping up onto the handsome man and wrapping his legs around his waist, pulling him into an enthusiastic hug. They were laughing and hugging clearly ecstatic to see each other. 'Oh my god! I can't believe you made it!' Matt planted a kiss on the mans cheek.

'Of course wee man! I wouldn't miss it for the world' laughed the Scot. He looked over Matt's shoulder at the rest of the band looking somewhat bemused behind him. 'So, I'm guessing this is your band?'

'Oh yes!' Matt jumped down and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the band. 'Everyone, this is Ewan. He's a buddy of mine from Uni. I haven't seen him in far too long.' He then introduced each of them and Ewan shook their hands with a firm shake.

They were interrupted by the stage manager sticking his head around the door. 'Ten minutes guys!'

'So I'll see you after wee-man. We have so much to catch up on.'

'Yes yes we do! I'm stoked that you came! Do you want to stay and watch the rest of the bands after?'

'Naw, wee-man I came to see YOU. Once you're done we can go get a bite and a pint. Have you got an early start tomorrow?'

Matt looked at Andy for a response 'Seriously, do you not read the itinerary at all!' huffed Andy.

'I don't need to! I've got you.' ribbed Matt.

Andy huffed again with mock annoyance 'You need to be back at the van by 10am sharp.'

'Awesome!' Matt turned to Joe.

'Well then. I've got a room at the Royal in town. Stay at mine tonight and we can talk until the sun comes up like we used to at uni.'

Matt giggled 'Hmm let me see....sleep in budget one star hotel, probably on the floor, with four other people burping and farting all night....or stay in an actual bed in a four-star hotel. Hmm...what to do...' 

Ewan laughed a deep belly laugh 'Well if you need time to think about it....'

Matt tapped his chin as if deep in thought 'Okay I've thought about it. Yes, I will grace you with my presence.'

'How very gracious of you' smirked Ewan.

'Sorry to break up the party. It's time' Andy tapped his watch.

'Alright wee-man. It's show time. I'll see you after.' he looked up at the band 'Have a good one guys.' They chorused their thanks as they filed out the door.

~~~~~

The show passed quickly. They played their set well with very few errors. Matt played with even more energy than usual. Knowing his friend was watching spurred him on to show off what he could do. He thrashed and turned and jumped like a circus performer. Simon sang well as usual but his performance lacked something. When they got to 'Destroya' he interacted mostly with the audience, rather than messing around with Matt as he normally would. If Matt noticed he didn't show it. He came off the stage buzzing. He grabbed his bag and pretty much ran out the door to join Ewan. Simon slumped onto a chair and chugged from a bottle of water. Cassie, Porridge and Andy shared glances between them. 'What?' demanded Simon.

Cassie quirked and eyebrow at him.

'What's that look for?' he demanded again.

'Jealous much?' Cassie retorted.

'Jealous of what?'

'Oh, I don't know. Maybe the fact that Matt is spending the night with an incredibly attractive Scottish man.'

'I am not' grumbled Simon.

'Look mate. You can't tell Matt you don't want him and then act all pissy when someone else is interested. It's like ''I don't want you, but no-one else can have you either''. You're not being fair.' Andy sat next to him and placed a hand on Simon's shoulder. Simon shrugged it off.

'I'm not jealous. I'm just tired' 

'Yeah right' Cassie rolled her eyes. 'You tell yourself that Si.'

He just huffed in response. Because really, he knew they were right. Seeing Matt wrapped around Joe had sparked something in him. But he wasn't really sure what it was. 

It was clear he wasn't going to talk about it though. Porridge shrugged resigned 'Okay. Let's go out and listen to the other bands.' He offered his hand to Simon and pulled him up. He patted Simon on the shoulder and led them out to the dancefloor.

~~~~~

Matt strolled up to the van just before 10 practically bouncing. Grinning form ear to ear. 'Hey all!' he greeted cheerily.

'Hey' nodded Cassie 'Good night?'

'It was awesome!' gushed Matt. 'We found this really cool pub down in a basement. It was really like bohemian with big squishy sofas and loads of craft beers. They had all these retro arcade games. It was so fun!'

Andy perked up 'Wow! That sounds awesome! It's a shame we're leaving this morning. If we come back here we should totally check it out. Did they have Time Crisis?'

'Yeah they did. I love that game. Ooh they also had Street Fighter and Space Invaders.' Andy and Matt then went into a lengthy discussion of their favourite arcade games.

Porridge shouted from the van 'Time to get moving nerds'. Matt and Andy giggled as they realised everyone else was waiting for them in the van. They climbed in and took their seats. Simon was curled up on the back seat with a jumper folded as a pillow. Eyes closed.

Matt looked at him confused then Cassie. She just rolled her eyes and shook her head as if to say 'Leave him to it.'

~~~~~

They arrived at the venue and went through the process of setting up ready for the evening. Simon was in a foul mood. But any attempts to talk to him resulted in a curt 'I'm fine.' He knew he was being churlish but he was over-tired. He had barely slept the night before and had maybe one or two too many beers. His brain running around in circles trying to work out why he was even bothered where Matt had been or rather what Matt had been up to. He checked his watch and there was still a couple of hours before they would be needed on stage. 'Right everyone. I know I've been a bit off with you all today. I'm sorry. I really didn't get much sleep last night. So I'm going to the van try and catch some sleep before the show.'

He headed out to the van. Matt ran to catch up with him. 'Wait!'

Simon turned to him and smirked but not in a pleasant way 'What? Lover-boy didn't let you sleep huh? Needing a nap too are you?' 

'What is that supposed to mean?'

'Nothing'

'Why do you care?' Matt glared at Simon. 'Ewan is just a mate. Nothing happened. But even if it did it's none of your business who I fuck. He could bounce me up and down on his cock like a basketball and it still would be none of your fucking business' He glared at Simon, his body rigid.

Simon looked surprised. He had been so convinced that Matt and Ewan had sex and he felt a kind of fizz inside when he realised they hadn't.

'You made it very clear Simon that you don't want that type of relationship with me so you don't get a fucking say in who I fuck or don't fuck!' Matt was growling with anger, his fists clenched at his sides.

'I....I' Simon started but he didn't even know what he wanted to say. 

'What do you want Simon?' Matt whispered stepping closer to Simon.

'I don't know' Simon's voice sounded small 'and I know that's not fair to you. I don't even know if I'm into guys in that way. I just know that the thought of you with someone else...I dunno. I don't want to string you along and then find out I'm not actually into that and then I've fucked up a friendship with someone who is really important to me.'

'I know what you're saying and I'm scared too. You're really important to me too. But I also can't help but feel we have to try this. It's getting harder and harder to just be your friend Simon.' 

'I know. I know. I just....' He just what? Didn't want to admit how scared he was? That he was a total hypocrite for being in a band that promoted inclusivity while being too scared to do anything with a Matt unless it was part of an act? 

'Just what Simon?'

'I....I don't know' Simon hung his head down as if in defeat.

Matt sighed and stepped back again. 'Okay. Whatever. Let me know when you do know what you want.'

'Okay' Simon kept his head down watching his restless feet scuff the floor.

Matt shrugged and turned back towards the venue.

Simon unlocked the van and climbed in. He made a make-shift bed out of their sleeping bags and coats and settled down. But sleep was impossible. He replayed the conversation with Matt over and over. The words ringing around inside his head like the steel balls of a pinball machine. Round and round, over and over. After turning restlessly Simon gave up. He clearly wasn't going to get any sleep. He pushed the sleeping bags back into a tidy-ish pile and made his way back to the venue.

He bumped into Porridge on the way back in. 'You look like shit.'

'Um....thanks?'

'Are you going to be alright to go on?' Porridge looked at the bags under Simon's eyes and his sallow skin with concern.

'Yeah, I just need a bucket of caffeine. I'll be fine.'

Porridge patted Simon consolingly on the shoulder and steered him towards the bar. 'What you need mate, is a Mad Cow.'

'A what?'

'It's a knock-off version of Red Bull mixed with vodka.' Simon grimaced at the idea. 'Trust me. It'll do the trick.'

Porridge flagged down the man behind the bar. He had long dark hair typed back in a ponytail and was sporting a Nirvana T-shirt. 'One Mad Cow for this esteemed gentleman.' he gestured to Simon.

'It's two-for-one on spirits tonight. Do you want a double?'

Simon shrugged 'Yeah, sure.'

The barman pushed two measures from the vodka optic and retrieved a bottle of Red Cow energy drink from the fridge behind the bar. Simon watched as he poured the vibrant red liquid into the glass.

He tapped his card onto the card reader and took a sip while he waited for his receipt to print. He scrunched his face up in disgust. 'It tastes like mouthwash' he spluttered.

Porridge laughed 'Yeah, but it will do the trick. Now get it down you.'

They spent the next two hours chatting with the barman about music while Simon gingerly gulped down two more Mad Cows. He was hoping the taste would subdue the more he drank but it really didn't. By the time they were due on stage Simon felt a strange combination of slightly drunk and very hyperactive. His whole body was buzzing like a swarm of bees were living under his skin. Porridge was right, it did the job. Simon was on fire! He soon forgot about his fight with Matt as the music took over. 'I want to thank all you lovely people for coming out to see the show tonight. I want you all to know that you are all sexy beasts.' He swept his hand across the crowd. 'All of you. So I'm expecting to see some real sexy moves out there tonight.' Simon paces up and down the stage. The audience in his thrall. 'I want you all to shake those butts like the rent's due' He turned round so his back was to the audience then slowly rocked his hips side to side a few times provocatively. He started singing 'Somebody come get her, she's dancing like a stripper.' The audience whooped and yelled enthusiastically. Simon could see from the corner of his eye Matt was giggling at him. Simon looked back over his shoulder at the audience 'Oh! You like that do you? Well then. you're going to love the next song.' The intro beat for Destroya started up. With his face in profile to the audience Simon licked his spare hand in an exaggerated swoop from wrist to finger tip. Simon turned his face to the back of the stage again his legs hip width apart and thrust his hand into his trousers. He started chanting the Destroya moans while moving his hand in and out of his trousers. A movement caught his eye and he realised Cassie had shifted away from him. He suppressed a giggle as Cassie rolled her eyes at him and turned away. He increased the intensity of his moans starting to sound breathless. He bent forwards curled in on himself. The moans continued until he suddenly flung his head back and screamed one long orgasmic 'Ahhhhh' before jumping into the lyrics of the song. He removed his hand from his trousers and skipped across the stage to where Matt was pounding his guitar. He took the hand that had been down his trousers and thrust index and middle fingers into Matts mouth. Matt sucked them greedily and licked the rest of Simon's palm as if cleaning off cum. Matt looked up at Simon with lust-filled eyes and Simon stumbled his next line. That had NEVER happened before! It was a small slip but Matt noticed and a small smirk curled his lips. 

Simon regained his composure and skipped back to centre stage. What the fuck was he doing? He flashed back to the argument he'd had earlier with Matt. He couldn't deny he wanted Matt. The way he looked right now on stage was breath-taking. His white shirt clung to his skin soaked in sweat. His eyes closed, mouth hung open as he thrashed his guitar into submission. He felt the familiar tingle as his dick started to show an interest. Shit! Not now! He turned towards the back of the stage on the pretence of shaking his ass. Okay, think unsexy thoughts....umm Donald Trump naked! Noah's ark! Fuck fuck fuck not working! Um...okay okay....hospitals, injections, train toilets...okay that's working....a train toilet blocked with sick. Yep boner gone. Thank god. He somehow managed to make it through the rest of the set without embarrassing himself.

As they made their way off the stage the caffeine and adrenaline wore off and Simon felt like he'd been hit by a train. A train that probably had a blocked toilet Simon smirked to himself at the thought. He collapsed onto a chair exhaustion taking over. Matt dropped into the chair next to him. 'We cool?' he asked cocking an eyebrow.

'Yeah we're cool.' Simon smiled back at him. 'I'm sorry for being a dick.'  
'It's cool. Forget it. Come on. It's a hotel night so let's get something to eat and then crash. It's our turn for the floor but at least it's not the van.' He stood and offered his hand to pull Simon up. They shared a brief hug then wandered out of the back room to find the others.

~~~~~

Matt kneeled in front of Simon. Sweat plastered his hair against his forehead. Black eyeliner smudged under his eyes. He looked up at Simon through his eyelashes. His startling blue eyes, pupils blown, refusing to break contact. Mouth open just waiting for him. Simon was panting hard, stroking himself in long leisurely strokes. Rubbing the drops of pre-cum over his sensitive head. He grabbed Matt by the back of his head and pulled him slowly onto his dick. Matt groaned and sealed his lips around him closing his eyes, lost in the moment. Simon slowly starts to thrust into Matt's wet hot mouth and......

Simon jolted awake on the floor of the hotel. He leapt up and ran into the en-suite bathroom closing the door behind him. He leant back against the closed door panting hard as the remains of his orgasm ebbed away. He slid to the floor crippling embarrassment taking over him. A wet dream! At his age! Oh god. 

A tentative knock came on the door. 'Um are you okay in there?'

'Uh yeah yeah I'm fine. Just really needed a piss.' Simon looked down at the very obvious wet patch at the front of his joggers. Fuck. 

'Riiiight' Mat giggled. 'I believe you...'

From inside the room he heard Porridge 'What's going on?'

'Well I was fast asleep, minding my own business when I was rudely awoken by the sounds of someone next to me having a really good dream and the next thing I know Simon bolted across the room into the bathroom.' Matt giggled again.

'Fuck off. I just needed a piss.'

'No you didn't Si, I heard it too. 'UH UH UH UH'' Andy joined in with exaggerated moans.

'I hate you all.'

'No you don't Si. Don't be embarrassed. We've all had them. Granted not since I was about 14....'

'Fuck off and die.'

He heard footsteps and shuffling outside the door. 'Hey Simon. I have your bag if you want it.'

Simon let out a sigh of defeat and opened the door a crack shielding his body behind it. 'Thanks Matt' He held his hand out for his rucksack.

'Tell me one thing' Matt passed the bag through the gap 'Was I good?' he smirked.


	18. Scenes of minor peril

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt manages to injure himself again but he's a brave soldier and the show must go on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well if anyone is reading this far, thank you! Thank you for staying on this journey with me. I hope you're enjoying reading it as much as I'm enjoying putting my chaotic thoughts out into the ether. Sorry this is a short one, I'll explain why in the footnote. Anyone who leave kudos or comments is clearly very sexy and talented. xoxo DBB

They'd been on the road nearly a month already and had their set-up nailed. Simon was going over the program with the venue manager when a high pitched scream rang out from the stage. Simon ran up the short steps and onto the stage where Matt was rolling on the floor holding his foot while laughing and crying hysterically. Blood was splattered everywhere across the stage. Everyone stood frozen trying to take in the sight.

Simon managed to finally splutter 'Wh...what? What?'

Matt took a deep breath to try and control his breathing. He flapped his hands towards his microphone stand. 'I...I was trying to fix my stand' giggles overtook him a again 'so I super-glued it and then held it together for couple of minutes to help it stick. But I didn't realise some of it had dripped onto the floor and then when I tried to step back I realised my foot was stuck. So I panicked because I didn't want it to stick more so I yanked my foot away. Bad idea. I left skin and a bit of flesh behind.' a collective gasp went round his audience along with several 'oohs' and several winces. 'and then I started laughing because I couldn't believe I'd done it!'

'Well I can believe it you muppet' Porridge said affectionately and knelt down to inspect the damage. He gently lifted Matts foot now steadily dripping blood. The venue manager appeared with a first aid kit, paper towels and a form. He pulled on a pair of disposable gloves and mopped around the wound with some paper towels to get a better look. 'Well I can't see any bones so that's a good thing. I'm going to press down on the wound to stem the bleeding.' Matt nodded then hissed loudly when a bundle of paper towels were pressed against his foot. The manager nodded towards the form next to him on the floor 'Can one of you start filling out the accident report form? Have fun filling out the description of accident box. I don't think anyone will believe ''super-glued own foot to the stage'' he smirked at Matt.

Simon bent down to pick up the form then bent closer to the stage peering intensely at the floor. 'Holy shit Matt! I can see it! There's a layer of your skin stuck to the floor!' He couldn't help it, he started laughing loudly. Now he knew Matt wasn't dying or anything he could definitely see the funny side. Everyone crowded round to inspect the patch of floor fascinated by the intricate lines of the skin tinged pink with blood.

Cassie looked over at Matt 'Why were you barefoot anyway?'

Matt shrugged 'My feet were hot.' Like that explained everything.

The manager pulled the paper towels away and nodded at Matt 'Looks like the bleeding stopped now. It's pretty deep so you'll need to get it looked at.'

Matt looked up at the others panicked 'But we've got a show in two hours! I can't go to hospital!'

Simon looked back and forth between the manager and Matt. 'Um maybe one of the guitarists from Green Daze could fill in?'

'No fucking way! Look, can you just wrap it up and then I'll go straight after our set?' he looked pleadingly at the manager.

The manager sighed and looked between Matt and Simon. 'Fine. But I'll need to clean it out first and you are sitting down for the whole set, and then going straight to the minor injuries unit okay?'

'Yes yes yes. Thank you!' Matt nodded enthusiastically.

The manager cleaned up the wound with only minor whimpering from Matt. He then wrapped gauze and a bandage around his foot. Once done Porridge helped Matt onto a chair and rested the injured foot on another chair in front of him. 'Well at least if Matt is bound to a chair he won't be able to injure anyone else for a change!'

~~~~~

Despite the set-back it was still a good show. Although it did feel strange not to have Matt throwing himself across the stage like he normally would. After the last song Matt and Simon called a taxi to go to the nearest hospital leaving the others to load up the van. The hospital was a crumbling red brick Victorian centre with multiple more modern wings attached somewhat haphazardly to each side. After hunting down a wheelchair Simon helped Matt into the chair. They set off following the signs for 'Minor Injuries Unit'. The wheelchair however, had it's own agenda and careened sideways into a wall. Unfortunately hitting Matts injured leg against the wall. 'Fuuuuuck!' he gasped. 'You drive like an OAP!'

'It wasn't my fault! This thing has wheels like a supermarket trolley!'

After a bit of tugging and pulling Simon gave up decided to pull the chair backwards was easier marching determinedly along the corridor following the red signs. After what felt like a mile of corridors they finally arrived at the reception desk for the unit. As it was a Saturday the waiting area was overflowing with several people sat on the floor as all the seats were taken. After filling in the information sheet Simon wheeled Matt over to a spare space along the wall. Simon looked around the area then crouched next to Matt and whispered 'Let's play guess what they're here for.'

Matt nodded and looked around. In the far corner was a skin head thug with blood running down his face from an obvious head wound. He was flanked on each side by police officers. 'Okay, the skin-head criminal in the corner'. He gave Simon a moment to check him out. 'Foreign object in anus.' Simon Snort-laughed. 'Yep totally. But what object?'

Matt considered carefully stroking his chin. 'Hmm, well he looks creative so I'm gonna go with...his mum's hairbrush.'

Simon snorted and tried to cover his giggles with a cough. 'Okay, my turn.' He looked around again. 'Lady in blue coat wearing riding boots, long brown hair,' Matt gives a slight nod to indicate he's spotted her. 'Accidently ate her son's hash brownies. She doesn't know they had pot in them. She feels all floaty and like she could eat an entire bucket of fried chicken.'

Matt can't his hide giggles and gets a few annoyed glances. 'Oooh I got one! Bloke in red T-shirt, black jeans. Looks about twenty.' Simon nodded when he spotted a young man curled up in a chair on the far wall. 'Was trying to impress his girlfriend by making her dinner but ended up in a nasty cheese-grater accident.'

They both collapsed in giggles Simon repeating 'cheese grater incident!' as he curled up holding his sides from laughing.

One-by-one the inhabitants of the waiting room were called into the treatment rooms. A slow trickle of new comers taking their place. Anyone who has the misfortune to go to hospital on a Saturday night knows they'll be in for a long wait to be seen and this was no exception. After nearly four hours waiting and multiple games of 'What are they here for', 'Kiss, marry kill' and even 'I spy' they were finally called. As Simon pulled him down the corridor Matt realised that it hadn't felt like four hours and in a weird way he'd actually enjoyed it.

Inside was a man in a navy nurses uniform. 'Hi I'm Nick.' He had Matts form on a clipboard in front of him. He read from the form 'So....it says you...super-glued your foot to the floor.' He looked up at Matt in disbelief. Matt sheepishly explained what happened. Nick carefully unwound the bandage from the wound. He gently cleaned off the wound and examined the foot pulling at the edges of the injury. 'Hmm, well it's still oozing a bit. I don't think you need stiches but, and call this irony, but I'm going to super-glue the wound to seal it and protect it.'

'WHAT!' Matt's eyes opened wide in shock then he threw his head back and belly-laughed, his whole body shaking with laughter. 'I should've just stayed where I was and super-glued it myself.'

Simon placed a steady hand on Matt's shoulder 'No Matt. You are NEVER allowed to use super-glue again.'

~~~~~

As they sat in the taxi heading back to the venue Matt thought back over the evening 'Si, I just want to say thank you for keeping me company. The waiting would have sucked a lot more if you weren't here to entertain me.' 

'Yeah, I guess it was kinda fun watching you have to explain what an idiot you are.' He tousled Matt's hair. 'All joking aside, I am glad you're okay.' He shuffled over the seat so he could lean on Matt's shoulder. His hand fell naturally down onto Matts and they locked fingers.

'Yeah I'll live to fight another day.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a short one as I remembered today how I managed to super-glue my foot to the kitchen floor. It was two years ago and I'm still not allowed near super-glue. I remembered it and thought 'That's such a Frank thing to do' so had to put it in. So there you have it. I'm a complete clutz and now the internet know it too.


	19. Moderate peril

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brush with death brings Matt and Simon closer. Some smut content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone reading this far? It sometimes feels like typing into the void....Had to complete this chapter in a hurry so apologies for grammer/spelling. If anyone has read this far, I love you! XOXO DBB

The next venue on their schedule was thankfully only two hours drive away so they found themselves with a rare morning free to explore the area. The show would be performed at the Guildhall in the centre of town so they decided to explore the winding alleys that spread out from the town square like a spider's web. There were early signs of the coming autumn with the leaves on the trees surrounding the square showing an impressive range of reds, gold and brown. The sun peaking over the top of the shops and cafés that lined the square gave enough warmth to sit outside comfortably. Simon picked a small café with outside tables and sat with a coffee and a pastry to catch up on phone calls. He called his mum first and regaled her with the story of Matt gluing his foot to the stage. She in turn, filled him in with the latest family news. A cousin he couldn't remember had got engaged to a man Simon apparently met at a wedding last year. At least this time she didn't hint at Simon 'settling down' and *shudder* grandkids. He finished the conversation as always, with reassurances that of course he was looking after Cassie as a big brother should. When he ended the call he saw that he'd missed a call from Woodpecker productions. 

~~~~~

They had agreed to meet up at a bagel shop just off the town square at noon for lunch. Simon was already sat with his bagel as the others arrived. He was practically bouncing in his seat. Cassie quirked an eyebrow at him. 'Go and get your food, I'll tell you when we're all sat down.' He grinned at them and waved towards the counter. One by one they filed back to the table and sat down but Simon wouldn't say anything until everyone was seated. 'So....' he began 'I spoke to Matt at Woodpecker productions. They're really happy with how this tour is going and they've had a lot of interest from people wanting to book us.' He looked around the table and saw his friends eyes light up. 'He's put together a timetable of gigs that pretty much run up to Christmas.' He let the news settle then continued 'But that's not all.' He held the pause as they swapped confused looks with each other. He didn't break the pause until Cassie, who was nearest, punched him on the arm and grunted 'TELL US!'

'Well....' he smirked at Cassie until she raised her fist to punch him again. He held his hands up in defence 'Okay okay. He wants us to enter Battle of the Bands.' he announced triumphantly. The table erupted into squeaks and yelps and high fives. Once they'd calmed down again he continued 'The quarter-finals start in January so Matt wants us to have as much exposure as possible leading up to Christmas. Some of the dates overlap this tour so we'll be working even harder. We do get about a week's gap at the end of this tour though so we do get a break. The semi-finals are the end of February, and the finals, if we make it that far, are at the end of March. Now, the prize this year is a cash prize of £50,000 plus.....a slot on the main stage of Glastonbury festival.' He looked around the table and giggled as every face had an open 'O' shape. 

'Fuck me! Are you serious?'

'Yes Matt. I'm totally serious.'

Everyone leapt out of their chairs and started jumping up and down, whooping and hugging. Oblivious to the chairs and bags and coats that went flying. Eventually the café manager came over and asked them to calm down. There was no way they were going to calm down and after the third time of asking the manager told them to leave. As they were filing out Matt muttered 'I can't believe we got barred from a bagel café! Totally worth it though.'

~~~~~

Simon wasn't exaggerating when he said they would be working harder. The days blurred into each other as they performed show after show zig zagging across the country. It was a late Sunday evening after a particularly gruelling weekend. They'd had to leave the previous location at 6am after getting to sleep in the van at midnight. They'd played an early evening gig on the Sunday and were driving back down the motorway they had driven up only hours before. But at least they had a hotel room that night. Simon couldn't remember ever being this tired before. He felt it deep down in his bones. The van was quiet except for a talk show coming from the radio. He felt his breathing slow and his limbs grow heavy when he was suddenly jolted awake by a loud rumble and the whole van shaking then swerving abruptly. Everyone jolted bolt upright in their chairs with mutterings of Fuck! Shit! and What was that!. His heart was pounding hard in his chest when he realised that the van had hit the rumble strips at the side of the motorway. Porridge who was driving, was clutching the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white and he was shaking like a leaf. Andy who was sat beside him at the from of the van placed his hand on Porridge's shoulder. 'What happened?'

Porridge took a couple of juddering breaths 'I....I fell a a asleep. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I-'

Andy rubbed his shoulder. 'Shh, it's okay. We're okay. We'll stop at the next services okay.'

Without realising Simon had grabbed Matts hand who was sat beside him. He gave a reassuring squeeze but he could feel Matt shaking too. He swapped worried glances between Matt and Cassie. 

They pulled up at the services and shakily climbed out of the van. Porridge had tears glistening on his cheeks. 'I'm so sorry. I...I've never...I'

Andy pulled Porridge into a hug 'I'm so sorry Porridge. I should've been awake. I was at the front. It's my fucking job to keep the driver awake.'

Simon joined them and wrapped his arms around them both. 'No-one blames you. Either of you. It was an accident. We're all over-tired.'

Matt joined the hug 'We're all alive. We're all okay. We will make sure it doesn't happen again.'

Simon looked over at Cassie 'Come on Cass. Group hug.'

'Fine.' she rolled her eyes in mock annoyance and joined them but Simon could see she was just as shaken as the rest of them.

Thankfully the services were only 30 mins from their destination. Simon took over the driving after a can of energy drink and drove with the windows down and the radio cranked to maximum. They made it to their hotel without further incident. They decided to use some of the money they'd earnt from the extra gigs to pay for two more rooms so they could all sleep in a bed and get a good night's sleep. Andy grabbed the key cards from the receptionist. 'There's two doubles and one twin room. Cassie you can have a double' he handed her the key card. 'Matt and Simon you can have the other double. We all know how much you love to spoon.' He smirked and handed Matt the key card. 'Myself and Porridge are having the twin.' With that they all peeled off down the corridors after saying goodnight.

Matt had a room on the second floor next to the lift. 'Room 201.' Matt confirmed slotting the card into the lock and opening the door. It was a room like any other room of a budget hotel. A bed, a wardrobe, a t.v. and an en-suite shower. They dumped their bags on the bed and looked around. There was something weird about it being just them in the room but Simon shrugged it off as it had been a very weird day.

He sat down on the edge of the bed 'I'm wide awake after having that energy drink at the services.'

Matt followed his lead and sat down next to him 'I'm way too jittery to sleep. I mean, I can't stop thinking that we could have died. You hear it all the time about car accidents where the driver fell asleep.'

Simon nodded 'Yeah that was scary as fuck. I don't know what I would do if anything happened to any of you.' he was looking down at his hands fidgeting in his lap.  
'Yeah me too.' Matt replied softly. They both looked up at each other and gave small smiles. Matt brushed his thumb against Simon's cheek 'I can't even imagine...' his thumb rested on Simon's jaw. Simon leant hesitantly forward and their lips touched. Simon heard the blood rush in his ears and felt his heart rate accelerate even more. Without thinking his hands moved to the back of Matt's head pulling him closer. This is what Simon needed right now, not to think, about anything, just to feel his lips against Matt's. Not the showy, sloppy pornographic kisses they do on stage. Urgent kisses on soft lips thanking god with each touch that they are alive. Knowing that all this could have been taken away from him kicked up the urgency to primeval levels. Lips parting, tongues dancing, hands grabbing tightly to hair and clothes not willing to let go. Without breaking the kiss Simon shoved their bags off the bed. Matt shuffled backwards up the bed pulling Simon with him until he lay flat on the bed with Simon on top barely breaking the kiss for a second. With each dive with his tongue into Matt's mouth Simon ground his hips up against Matt and Matt lifted his hips in response. A groan rising up from deep within his throat. His belt buckle kept catching the belt on Matt's jeans. Still kissing but muttering out the side of his mouth 'Stupid fucking belt' he reached downed and tugged the buckle undone, pulled it through the loops until it was freed and threw it on the floor. Meanwhile Matt worked his own belt loose and unbuttoned the fly. Simon slipped his hand in and rubbed his hand slowly up and down against Matt's erection through his cotton boxers. The kiss broke as Matt tipped his head back in bliss. 'Oh god that feels good.' He pulled Simon back to kiss again and reached his other hand down to undo Simon's fly. After a couple of tugs the buttons came loose and Matt could reach his hand down. He was vaguely aware that nothing was hindering his fingers from gripping Simon's shaft. Simon broke the kiss to gasp into Matt's shoulder. Neither had much room to move so Matt nudged Simon gently with his shoulder so Simon would drop onto his side. Matt turned with him so they were both on their sides facing each other and now with the space to move their arms and hands more freely. They reached in to kiss but as their breaths were began to judder into loud pants they lay mouths close together feeling the hot breath on skin as their hands worked up and down increasing in pressure and speed. Matt could feel the pressure of his orgasm building from deep down in his groin. By habit he bit his lower lip between his teeth and speed his hand faster up and down Simon's length as if it was his own cock in his hand. Every muscle in his body tensed in anticipation, then like the waves breaking upon the shore his climax swept over him as his hips juddered and his cock pulsed sending hot streams of cum across his chest. He was vaguely aware of Simon gasping and juddering beside him as his hand slowed on this cock. Spent they fell back onto the bed. 

Once the aftershocks had worn off, and his breathing returned to somewhat normal, Matt grabbed his discarded boxer shorts and mopped up the mess. He passed them to Simon. 'So, do you often go commando?'

Simon giggled as he wiped his cum off his chest. 'No, only when I run out of clean underwear.' He tossed the boxers onto the floor, and started pulling off his clothes.

'When did you run out?' Matt also peeled of the rest of his clothing and crawled under the covers.

'Um, a week ago.' Simon sniggered, crawling under the covers to join Matt.

'Ew! You're gross. I'm glad I didn't blow you.' Matt shuffled until he could rest his head on Simon's chest.

'Ah well, maybe next time.' Mumbled Simon his arm around Matt. The adrenaline had definitely worn off and sleep quickly pulled them under into a blissful well-needed sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of this chapter was based on a real life event. Myself and my friends all chipped in to hire a mini-bus to go to an all-day music festival. The driver fell asleep at the wheel on the return home. Don't drive tired kids! (Seriously don't it's as bad as driving drunk)


	20. Pillow talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hold on tight! This one's a bit of a rollercoaster. Simon and Matt finally talk about what they want. After three months touring the band are happy to be heading home but that happiness is short-lived.

Listening to the number of cars on the road outside Matt guesses it must be coming up to the morning rush hour. He carefully extracts his arm from under Simon's shoulder and leans over to check his the time on his phone. Simon shuffles and blinks his eyes open looking up at Matt. 'Hey' he mumbles.

'Hey' Matt smiles back at him. 'You're not going to be all weird are you?' Matt asks tentatively.

'No. Well not any weirder than normal.'

'True you are a complete weirdo.' 

'Oi!' Simon jabs him playfully in the ribs.

'You know what I mean.'

'Yeah I do.' Simon looks down at the cover on the bed and starts picking off imaginary pieces of fluff. He knows they need to have this conversation but he's never been good at all that talking about feelings kind of shit. He waits for Matt to steer the conversation. If it was left to him he'd end up talking about Dr Who for three hours then conveniently running out of time.

'So, does this mean that you want to give us a chance?' Matt gives himself a mental pat on the back for not throwing up, his stomach tied in knots.

'Um, yes.' Simon looks up at Matt a pink tinge to his cheeks. God he feels like a awkward teenager all over again. 'But don't stick anything up my bum.' He blurts out in a rush.

Matt's eyes widen then he snorts and falls back on the pillows laughing. 'Is THAT what you're worried about?' Simon just shrugs and looks back down at is hands still picking fluff off the blanket. 'Okay, well for starters I wouldn't do anything without asking you first. Consent is sexy y'know?' He sees Simon's shoulders relax almost imperceptibly. 'Second it is a myth that just because you're attracted to men you automatically like it up the bum.' Simon looks up at him clearly surprised. 'There's so much more to it than just dick in ass. Have you done much or anything with another guy?'

'No, not really' Simon shakes his head. 'Nothing beyond drunken kissing and fumbling.'

'Neither have I. The furthest I've gone was I tried to give a guy a bj once. I didn't want him to know I was so inexperienced so I tried to take him all the way down. Long story short, I gagged and threw up on his shoes.' 

'You threw up on his shoes?'

'Um hm' Matt nods.

'Amazing.' Simon grins.

'Not my finest moment. I wasn't lying in the interview when I said I don't have much luck with guys. So, my point is, neither of us knows what we like or don't like yet. I think it's kinda cool that we get to explore that together. So, out of interest, why are you against anal?'

'Well, for starters I'm not a big fan of pain.'

'Noted. I know it's a cliché but when it comes to sex, one you get used to it, if it hurts you're doing it wrong. Unless you're into that kind of thing.'

'But how cannot it not? Something that big going into a small hole.'

'Okay, sorry to be gross but think about it for a second. Think about how big your normal Sunday shit can be, your bum stretches just fine to let it out.' Simon crinkles his nose in disgust. 'Besides, you don't just shove it in there, you build up over time, getting the sphincter muscles to relax and stretch.' Matt makes a circle with his thumb and forefinger with one hand then mimes inserting fingers with the other hand, scissoring the fingers and slowly stretching the circle. 'Anyway, that's way down the line. Do you finger yourself?'

Simon blushes and nods. 'I tried it once but it was weird. I was just like, okay, I've a finger up my bum and that was it.'

Matt giggles. 'Yeah I felt like that the first time I tried it. So I'm betting you didn't find your prostate?'

'I guess not.'

'Well that's something we can explore when you're ready, and only if you want to.' Matt holds Simon's gaze hoping he hears the sincerity in his voice. 'For now though, all I want is a date with you.'

'A date?'

Matt reaches across and holds Simon's hand. 'Yes, a date. When we get back home I want to take you out. We don't get much time alone together on tour. I think it would be nice.'

'Yeah, okay then.'

'Nothing too fancy, just food and maybe a movie, or bowling or something.'

'Sure. I can't remember the last time I went on a date.'

Matt smiled then leaned over to kiss Simon gently. 'Okay stinky-butt. Shower time.'

'Noooo I'm comfy!'

'I don't care! You stink!' Matt grabs Simon's wrist and drags him towards the bathroom giggling. 'Come on, I'll help you if you want.' He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Simon holds up his hands in defeat 'Fine, fine. But no hanky-panky.'

Matt snorts 'Okay, I promise no hanky-panky. Maybe some gratuitous nudity, but no hanky-panky. What about heavy petting?'

Simon pretends to consider it for a moment 'No heavy petting, just light to moderate petting.'

'Score!' Matt fist pumps the air then practically runs into the bathroom.

It turns out that showering together is pretty fun. They do make out a little but mainly just mess around blowing soap bubbles and making foam Mohicans and devil horns. Matt doesn't want to push his luck. He's finally got Simon on the same page as him so he's going to try his best not to fuck it up. He really wants this to work out. He just knows that they could have something great together.

~~~~~

Once they'd packed their few belongings they met up with the rest of the band by the van. Andy waved a bag of hash browns and a cup of coffee at each of them. 'Oh my god Andy! Have I told you lately how much I love you?' Simon gasped as he grabbed the cup.

'Well, I figured you love birds would need a lie-in.' he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

'What? No!' he flustered while Matt giggled and pretended to be really interested in his hash brown.

'See! Matt isn't denying it!' Porridge joined in. 

Matt looked up and smiled 'I don't kiss and tell.'

'I knew it! Matt and Simon sitting in a tree' Porridge sang.

'How old are you? Five???' Simon grumbled sipping his coffee. Cassie just looked at him with one eyebrow quirked which clearly meant 'we are talking about this later'.

'Okay then children, enough of the gossiping, back on the road.' Simon gestured towards the van and they all climbed in.

He knew he wouldn't be able to avoid Cassie forever, and sure enough, she cornered him at the services where they had stopped for lunch. 'So?' she stood with her arms crossed and quirked her eyebrow. Simon was secretly jealous of how Cassie could convey so much just through her eyebrows. He'd tried and tried in the mirror but he just looked like he was having a stroke.

Simon sighed and ran his hand through his hair. 'There's not much to tell. Stuff....happened' he waved his hand in a vague manner 'and we agreed when we get home we'll go on a date and take it from there.'  
'Hmm' Cassie looked concerned? Pissed-off? somewhere between the two?

'What?'

'I swear to god Simon, if you hurt him I will end you.

'What? Who said anything about hurting him? and, wait a second, shouldn't you be telling him not to hurt ME! Since, y'know, I'm your brother and all that?'

'Yes, and I know what you're like Simon. You get wrapped up in your own world and forget about those around you. You may not intend to hurt him, but unless you're in this 100% you will.'

Simon looked down and shuffled his feet. Cassie may be younger than him but he still felt like he was being told off.

'So are you?' she pushed.

'What?'

She sighed and rolled her eyes 'In this 100%.'

'Yes! Yes I am. I really like him Cass.'

'Okay.'

'Okay. We cool?' He looked up hopefully.

She gave a small smile and raised her hand for their secret handshake they had developed when they were kids. He giggled and met her hand in a fist bump, back of their hands together, thumbs together, elbow bump, low slap. They both grinned then sloped off to find their friends.

~~~~~

The coming weeks flew by even faster than before and finally they were heading back home. The atmosphere in the van was giddy, almost delirious with excitement at going home combined with fatigued from flat-out touring for three months. Talk soon turned to what they were most looking forward to.

'Mum's roast dinner, definitely.' Porridge sighed, rubbing his stomach in anticipation.

'My own bed, and not sharing it with anyone, as much as I love you guys.' grinned Andy.

'Hot showers. As soon as I get home I'm having a three hour shower followed by a three hour bath. Just because I can.' Matt sighed dreamily at the thought.

'Clean clothes! I can't want to finally wash my clothes properly.' Simon sniffed his shirt and grimaced. Cassie shot him a pointed look. 'Okay, fine, I can't wait for MUM to wash my clothes.' They all laughed.

~~~~~

They had to drop their equipment at Andy's, then drop everyone off. Simon and Cassie finally unlocked their door and stepped inside dropping their bags on the floor. Their mum came out of the living room and headed towards them with open arms. Simon and Cassie immediately knew something was off. She looked thin, and frail, and was wearing a scarf on her head. She'd never worn a head-scarf as far as Simon could remember. Her smile was beaming but her eyes were wet. They cautiously hugged her then pulled back. 'Um, mum...' Cassie began, her voice catching.

'Come in, come in.' she waved them inside towards the living-room. 'Do you want a drink? You must be gasping?' she wrung her hands clearly flustered.

'Mum! Just tell us what's going on!' Cassie's voice laced with concern.

'Okay, well sit down.' She gestured towards the sofa and perched on the armchair facing them. They sat down with a thud, eyes wide with fear and expectation.

'Um, well, I found a lump. I thought it wasn't anything but I went to the GP anyway, you know, better safe than sorry! and well, anyway, it wasn't nothing, they sent me up to the hospital to have a sample of the tissue, and when I got called by the GP to come in the next day I knew it wasn't going to be good news. So anyway, I um, I have breast cancer.' The tears she had been holding back escaped and traced down her face.

'Fuck!' Simon breathed out. Then as one he and Cassie leapt off the sofa and wrapped their arms around their mum. In a surreal moment Simon realised this was one of the very rare occasions when he had seen Cassie cry, and for some reason that made him feel even worse.


End file.
